i wish i was playing

looking back on things, i often wonder, what the hell was I thinking? to be involved with someone of his obvious emotional and mental limitations, even if his physical beauty (yes, he was beautiful) caused involuntary neck-snaps when he walked by, was just plain stupid.

i fell hard for him, abandoning all in my spirit that waved red warning flags to heed. stop. walk, no run, the other way. he was handsome. sexy. funny. a great kisser. whenever he entered a room and walked his tall, slightly lanky frame towards me all I could hear in my head was the end of India Arie's song The Truth.

cause he is the truth....said he is so real.....and i love the wayyyy that he makes me feel. and if i am a reflection of himm....then i must be flyy, because he is, yes he is...i wonder does he know?

oh, but he knew. he knew because i was constantly catering to him(insert destiny's child song here). always there for him. a perpetual spirit-lifter and ego-booster for him. (oh, my king, my love, no one compares to you. Anything else I can get for you honey? Oh don't worry about that babe, you're THE BEST). perfected my bedroom acting skills for him (and not in a 'let's break out the nurse outfit' kind of way). everything, my whole being, was about him.

but he was not the Truth. he was not even close. he was so far from the Truth he'd have to teleport back in time to even find Truth's distant cousin, who may or may not have had an idea where Truth was. he wielded lies with the expertise of a samurai striking his sword; crafting elaborate, believable stories seemingly out of thin air. of course, my being love-blind didn't help. he could've told me George Bush was a black panther back in the day and i would have believed him.

before i knew it, i was knee-deep in depression. fifteen pounds lighter (which gave me a cute, corpse-like look). self-esteem was at negative 500. i hardly talked to my friends. was alienated from my family. what's worse is i didn't even know it. i thought i was happy

that was two years ago. after six exhausting, exhilarating, incredibly happy, incredibly sad years, i finally broke free of my hypnosis and started to live for me. it happened one day when i accidentally tripped upon his pandora's box.
well, i was curious. what was in this box?

upon the cracking of the lid about a ¼ of an inch, out burst a plethora of untruths, infidelity, deceit, and an overwhelming sense of i didn't know who the F i was with all these years. it contained pertinent data that, me being his longtime girlfriend and all, should have known. like his real first name. his real age. the fact that he never obtained a high school diploma and had only recently went back for his GED. all those calls from 'college' while i was at home were made up. false. six years of my life had been reduced to fiction.

and now he's back. i have no clue how he got my number. but he called me. only to tell me that he is finally 'over me'. and happily engaged. and having a daughter. and her name is to be Rhiyanna Kari. (pronounced like the singer). pretty name, right?

wrong.

what you don't know is that he and i had a child. a beautiful little girl. Her name was Briyanna Aari. Yep, sounds familiar huh? she was three months premature. she lived two months. by far the most beautiful thing i've ever created. and now, he is having another daughter, by another woman, and naming her dangerously close to our daughter's name as a 'tribute' to her. the same daughter i had to drag him to the hospital to visit in the NICU. the same one who died the night he refused to take me up to the hospital. if i sound bitter, it's because i am. no, i'm pissed. how dare he.

WTF.