it amazes me what people will say to your face. i mean honestly, people will say THE most ignorant, simple, uncouth, offensive things. to your face. whew.
my job is pretty boring. working at a bank isn't exciting at all. especially on thursdays. my coworkers and i make up for it sufficiently by talking amongst ourselves when there are no customers in the building. i have however, resigned myself from socializing with certain people from now on. all because of what people have the nerve to say to my face, like i won't punch them in theirs. (well i won't, but i will think really hard about it and give them a look that informs them of just that).
one of my coworkers, a 40-something indian lady, is selling her house. it's a nice house too, containing all the perks and amenities that any picket-fenced family with 2.5 kids would love. fortunately for her , these are exactly the kinds of families that have been looking at it. everyday she comes in with more 'guess who looked at my house today' stories. she was particularly excited to share this one today though. and especially excited to share it with me.
"you should have seen the people that came yesterday to look at my house. they were sooo nice. i think they're going to get it."
i didn't really feel like listening to yet another tale, but i gave a polite "really? that's good."
i hate it when people of other races try to tell you something about a black person, and when they get to the word 'black', their voice drops a few volume levels and their eyes travel anywhere but to yours, as if saying the word 'black' to describe someone is either shameful or racist.
we'll, she did that.
"it was a black woman . but she was soooo beautiful. she was tall and thin and she was dressed sooo nice and her kids were impeccably clean. a boy and a girl. the girl was so pretty too!"
why she was so excited to share this with me, i have no clue. i guess i was supposed to be happy at her discovery of a pretty black woman. when she said 'but', as in, 'in spite of', her blackness, my chest tightened. felt a smart comment coming on...but i held it in. maybe she didn't mean it like that. her next statement however, told me that her 'but' really did mean 'in spite of''.
"oh lady, she was so pretty. and she was so00 well-spoken. she was a black woman. but she spoke soooo professionally and intelligently, her children were behaving so good too."
she beamed at me as if we had somehow just connected. that 'it's okay we can be sistas now.' look. just kept looking at me for approval of her newfound 'common ground' with me.
"what do you mean she was a black woman but she spoke so well? but she was pretty. but she can afford nice clothes. but her daughter and son were properly bathed. what does that mean?" i was calm, even offered a half smile and a light tone.
her eyes grew so big, you would have thought a new nose had just up and sprouted on my face. and then she started stuttering.
"n-n-n-no, i mean, you know. i just, i just meant she's pretty that's all. "
"then why didn't you say that? why'd you have to explain that she was black, and that she still managed to be all those positive things?"
"i-i-i...i just thought you would want to know that there are other women like you out here."
riiight. cause a pretty, intelligent black woman is an anomaly.
i was done. i quietly turned my head and went back to my previously drama free corner of our bank. i didn't say anything to her the rest of the day, but still she scurried around, trying to prove to me that she really didn't mean that 'slip-up'.
my question is this: what do you think when people say things like that? are we seriously becoming that uncivilized and disregarded that it's actually a compliment for someone to say your kids are clean and you can speak english properly? why are we allowing ourselves to be the people that nothing good is expected of?
in retrospect, i wish i had said more to her. i was just so angry and i didn't want to lose my job over her ignorance. but when are we going to step up? i mean, really step up. and not be okay with our people being the ones everyone learns how not to be from. i mean, really. it's kinda sad.
it's very disappointing and disheartening to hear the true feelings of someone you know 'slip out' about you. makes you wonder what people are really thinking, huh?
Friday, July 27, 2007
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27 comments:
Hmmmm. What do you say? I can see, driving in the streets of Detroit, why one would have that type of "opinion" about us. I mean in all honesty, there are a lot of US that dont represent the highest ideal of black WOMANhood. And like it or not...we are being watched and judged by those standards. Its just sad that that image has become the yardstick by which ALL of us are measured. I'm sure you wish you would have responded in a different way...but really what would that have changed??? Your co-worker formed that opionion from somewhere and unfortunately it might have been from one of "us". Yes...I agree tho, it is sad. But its not just our responsiblity to change the way we 'accept' being viewed...we have to COLLECTIVELY BE better. Because I must be honest, for every smart, intelligent, well spoken black woman that I know...there are 3 screaming, booty short wearing, (while with your kids), hot ghetto mess!! Well not necesarily in that proportion, but there is obviously a whole different class of thought...and we are all lumped together because we are all BLACK WOMEN!
Hmmmm. What do you say? You could say she was wrong...but you live in the D. You see some examples of why someone would think that way. Its a double edged sword. For a black woman who KNOWS black women, you are not surprised by black civility and normalcy. For a non-black who knows primariy what is portrayed of us in the media and often times in day to day life...this would seem as some sort of revelation. Sad...but I can see how one would think that way. I see examples of both every day. :( Still doesnt make it okay to hear, huh?
A chill runs up my spine and I want to holler, Wake up! Or Shut the Fuck Up! LOL.
I worked at a university in the middle of a city made up of 80% blacks. Yet, most folks commuted there from the suburbs and blacks were the minoirity in class. SMH.
I experienced subtle racism. As a student and a employee of the college, I ran across some stupid stuff. *sighing* It made me think either these folks don't know better or they don't care or they don't get it.
Muze, that is so true. I've had a similar experience with someone who happened to let it slip that someone was Black, but had a degree nonetheless. What is that about? Will Black people ever be considered a race where notable acheivements aren't out of the ordinary? I certainly hope so. Good post, got me fired up.
damn....i hear you on this one. don't you know this woman i used to work for had the nerve to slip up and call me buckwheat one time??? it took all i had not to beat her down or sue the damn company. i should have at least sued....but yeah you're right, it's amazing what comes out of other people's mouths...
btw...i found your page via a blog buddy of mine....i'm sure i'll be back to visit. take care
I don't want to get all racial up in here, so let's just say that had I been in your shoes I might have been inclined to slap the dot off of her.
The answer to your question is so complex and multi-layered miss muze. To be seen as an anomoly by your coworker is not surprising, unfortunately. Intelligent, good looking, educated, accomplished black folks were indeed at one time rare, becuz of our history and the institutionalized racism that followed. And despite the improvements, social perceptions and stereotypes are SO difficult to change...especially when so many of US accept and perpetuate the stereotype, intentionally or not. Sure, mainstream media plays a huge role. But you've also gotta look at OUR music, OUR movies (and the black actors that play in our movies), OUR communities, OUR social infrastructure and how it's viewed by the rest of society.
And what bothers me even more, it's not just the folks among us previously referred to as the "ghetto mess" that make this anomoly perception so prevalent among other races...sometimes it's the folks among us that our children look up to the MOST who make us look the WORST.
Remember, perceptions are molded by so many social forces...they are very difficult to reshape. You did an excellent thing by responding to this woman in the way that you did. Many of us would have said nothing at all. I bet she'll think more carefully the next time she has something to say about a sista!
One of the few benefits working for a corporation brings is their legal paranoia. This can easily be explained by the way civil suits are handled (in the U.S.). It usually comes down to who was hurt more and who can afford to pay. When it's an individual vs. a corporation, the individual wins in almost any plausibly reasonable scenario.
What am I saying? You could've wigged on her, and either gotten away with it or gotten paid for not getting away with it. Of course that would've fueled another stereotype, the militant black person.
Alot of people from South Asia (the subcontinent) have an aversion to African (and recently African descended) people, oddly I learned this from Indians from Africa, but it is a widespread thing. I don't know if they always had that attitude or if they got from one of their conquering masters. As usual with racism it seems to affect the younger generations (that are exposed to us without a filter of so called experience) less. I was wearing a coufee when I went to one of my friend parent's house and I was told that I look like a terrorist.
*still laughing at "slap the dot..."
Anyway, people are going to say ignorant things because they are ignorant; not in the demeaning way, but sometimes I think they really don't know. It could be from a combo of factors (one of which is the constant image that "WE" project of ourselves to the masses...and BET), but some folks, just don't know any better.
This story reminds me of a friend of mine who encountered some white people who were unsure of how black people referred to themselves (like you mentioned). He told them, "just call me what you call me when you're at home."
Not sure how that one turned out, but I assume it was funny.
(and thanks for listening...if you have any suggestions, PLEASE let me know!)
First of all, Kudos to you for speaking up (calmly too? AMEN). Most people probably wouldn't have responded in that manner or at all, and I believe it's crucial that we do. How else do we make people like your colleague aware of their ignorance? I'm sure she went home and thought long and hard about her perceptions of Black people thanks to you. Depending on the person, I have been known to sit someone down and school them on the error of their ways like they were three years old, or turn and follow someone in the store who has followed me (which is great fun btw); but sometimes I say nothing at all.
I probably would have reacted the same way. At the same time, I can see where this misperception of Black people comes from. Flavor of Love, Blackploitation films, nearly every film following Boyz n the Hood, music videos, the News, song lyrics, etc. Our media is riddled with negative images of African-American people which not only gives others a negative perception of us, but results in many of our young people looking up to and emulating the most negative representations of Blackness (if you will). Even other Black people abroad have a negative perception of us (haven't heard the "shiftless Black American" stereotype come from a person who looks just like you yet? Just wait.)
A large part of the problem (but by no means the only part) is the unbalanced portrayal of African-Americans in media that has influenced people who don't actually know anyone Black. The movies, TV shows, news, music, and flawed instruction are what they have to go on. While we can't (nor do I believe that we should) sweep all of the negative images under the rug, we should rally for and support more positive images to counteract the overwhelmingly negative representations of us that inevitably influence perceptions of us around the world. More often than not, we fail to do so [support positive images of Black people] because we just want to watch and enjoy a movie/song/video and it's "not that serious." It's not until someone like your coworker opens his/her mouth that we realize just how "serious" it is.
keelah: yeah i know exactly what you mean. after i wrote this post i was talking to a friend about it and she was saying that if she didn't know any black people personally, she would think that we were all baby mama hoochie types, and that all black men were thugs...so i can't blame that lady totally. i know that we do perpetuate these stereotypes by actually BEING them on a daily basis.
shai: yeah...that's sad. thanks for stopping by my spot!
porscha: i certainly hope so...but i just don't see it happening anytime soon.
unknowndiva: BUCKWHEAT?!! omg i would have lost it....for real. WOW. i thought it was bad when my black manager kept saying he would cut his hands if he touched my hair. i almost karate chopped his behind! lol.
blog portland: LMAO! leave it to you to bring some humor over here. that's hilarious...i wish she DID wear a dot now...i just might do that! lol.
the l: this is true, but it still saddens me. i did think about that after i wrote this post and i agree that we as black people need to stop this behavior before we can stop others from thinking of us this way.
mwangangi:see, that's thinking. i was so angry i couldn't think about anything but NOT being the angry black woman cussing and swearing her out. you're right though...AND this is not the first racial incident that has happened at this bank. one other guy got fired for telling a 'black' joke to one of my friends (a white guy..and the asst. manager no less) and thinking it would be okay.
rebirth of fly: i know...he's silly isn't he? lol. you should check his blog out...he's pretty hilarious.
anyhoo...i'm seeing that the general objective should be that WE get ourselves together first, then worry about how WE are perceived. and you guys are right.
juicy77: thanks! lol@ every film after boyz in the hood.
Saw a little bit of this new "reality" show with D.L. Hughley over the weekend. They showed these sisters in the Asian-run nail salon, and the Asian women--who were setting up the black women--would say things very similar to what happened in your situation: "You like collard greens?" "You student? What, community college? ITT Tech?" The reactions of the black women was the subject of the show, and they were interviewed afterwards as to why they either left, tolerated it, or cursed out the nail technicians. Very interesting guilty pleasure. I wonder if there were instances that didn't make air where customers just straight clocked the nail techs?
I wrote about an instance in the same theme on my blog a little while ago, too (see Maria at Wendy's Shows Her True Colores
with On-the-job Rip at Blacks).
It's too bad we don't all have a personal hidden camera following us around at all times to record the unbelievable stupidity (even our own) that we encounter.
BLANK STARE
That's exactly how I would have looked at her..of course before I started to talk fast and yell there fore causing her to stutter and run away
WOW..why was she soo excited to share that ...you could have been like yea I saw an Indian lady and she didnt stink wow...I tell ya some folks.
wow. just wow.
Great post!
anonymousnupe: i heard about that show...i didn't know it was airing already though. may have to check it out. i actually had an asian professor at spelman who would give our calculus problems in terms of 'foodstamps' and 'liquor stores'...at a black school nonetheless! whew did we cause a riot up in there! we got a petition together and needless to say he no longer is employed by spelman college. lol.
i am going to check your blog out pronto.
honey-libra: right. i did look at her for a second, cause i just couldn't believe she was saying this..to my face! cracking up at your 'didn't stink' comment. ha!
hey brownstone cool and princessdominique...thanks! and thanks for stopping by...
Wow. You have some patience...I would have told that woman off properly and called it a day.
setting race aside for a second, I think that we are a society of settlers. Meaning, we 'settle' for what we have because other people have it, and don't aim for more if we're not alone where we are. this is, in my opinion, why Americans are all in debt - borrowing is the easy way to get ahead.
Back to this dumb white lady - they are so funny! I think we should give them a break, they're walking on eggshells these days and remember, the average person is not as smart as you are regardless of race. Honestly my favorite is that white person who says to me "I like your hair!" not with awe, but with this underground sympathy that affirms everyone's right to be themselves. I feel like the same "I'm cool with your thang but don't pretend to know isht," vibe that they give is what I have to return.
GGRRR I hate racisim!! And being that she is a minority herself she should know better but... I GUESS NOT!
PPl can be ignant (not ignorant) but ignant sometimes! (Had to slip that in).
But at the same time, there are PLENTY of black people that are professional, clean, well-spoken and everything else but it's what people see on TV that make people think otherwise.
Like this whole issue with this new show that's coming on BET that shows "ghetto black people". And then there's this lady named Mz. Peachez that portrays us in a bad way as well.
I dont think there's no way to make people not sterotype us as long as all this crap is on TV forcing people, especially people that'll never interacted nor seen a black person themselves, to look at us like we're SUPPOSE to be "ghetto".
It's sad! JUST SAD!
Ok, Blog Portland is one funny mfer.
I dont even know where to start. I know that the media plays a big role in this, but this also speaks to the lack of diversity in the US. We know there are lots of women like that Black woman in the US, but obviously they dont come into contact with your coworker. And thats the problem. Our wonderful insular communities (yes, not just the Black one).
L
*sigh* I could feel myself getting so angry as I read this. I think you handled it very well though. Unfortunately some people like to hold on to stereotypes...that all Black people must be savages who speak ebonics, have multiple children by different baby daddies while living in rat/roach infested apt some where in the ghetto...because that's who seems to make the damn news!!!
This woman works with you, a sista who is CLEARLY well spoken, well groomed and professional, yet she comes to you with that 'news' like she discovered the golden black child.
Realllllllllly pisses me off!
This reminds me of the scene in The Color Purple when Miss Millie says to Sophia, "Your children are so clean. Do you want to be my maid?" She made it seem like clean black children are rare, and if a mother has clean children, she must be a maid. Remember what Sophia said?
Girl, I got this SAME comment. Except not about some other black woman, but about me. At least it wasn't straight to my face. I was teaching at a private Korean institute. I guess my boss thought she was passing on a compliment when she told me that one of the parents of one of the children I was teaching was like "she's so pretty, it's like she's not even black". WTF?
But the worse part is thinking about where all this ish comes from.
and i cannot BELIEVE your manager said that about touching your hair.
I’m sorry to hear that this woman was so inconsiderate. It is my hope that she thinks twice next time she decides to make such ignorant remarks.
I know that you wanted to say more to her, but I am actually glad you didn’t. You seem like such a kind and intelligent woman. I would hate to see you lose your position at the bank due to someone’s inconsiderate behavior. It is a good thing you have a blog. You can vent your frustrations without the fear of harmful, job related consequences.
With that said, I do agree that the African American community needs to stand up against the standard stereotypes associated with race. For that matter, I feel that other races should stand right beside them. In united effort. I have no idea what it is like to be a black woman. However, I do know what it is like being a woman, and that is hard enough. Many associate feminist theory with the idea that women—of all races—are minorities. Women have never truly had rights equal to men. Equal pay, domestic violence laws, and the glass ceiling (or concrete ceiling in some cases) are still issues that all women are faced with today. Adding race to the mix only tightens the choking grasp that the American culture has enforced.
I wish it could all be changed.
I’m not trying to say that I understand what you are feeling. There is no way I can. I am a middle-class, white woman. I am only trying to tell you that I understand that you hurt, and that I don’t think the way you were treated was fair.
You have to understand where she is coming from, literally. i am not from India but am from that part of the world, and whenever we meet someone who is well spoken or presents themselves well, we have a lot of respect for them and we give much praise to them when we speak about them to others. This is how we speak. When we run into someone new at work or make a new friend or like this lady did with someone trying to buy her home, we see how they present themselves, and if they present themselves well, when we speak of them to others, we give much respect and compliments about them.
This lady wasnt saying that she was surprised because a black person could seem polite and well mannered, she was saying how respectful that person and her family were. If they were Asian or White or Middle Eastern, would you have said anything about it?
You just got upset the same way it seems alot of black people get upset when others use the word black. The reason people get afraid of saying the word black is because black people dont seem to like it when others use that word. As if its wrong for people from other cultures and races to say black or that people shouldnt call someone by the color of their skin instead by the region of the world they are from. Like saying someone is African American, instead of saying black. Although black people call Caucasians white all the time, yet many hate it when a white person calls them black.
I have black friends, and i am not an ignorant person. One thing i have learned about the black community is that if someone is well mannered or does well in school, they are considered white. Yet I am Middle Eastern and Muslim and my parents and my religion taught me and continue to teach me that you have to respect others and present yourself well and continue to learn and learn as much as you can. There is nothing WHITE about that.
You are a pretty woman. I enjoyed reading your blog. I lived in Detroit for a short time. Bye bye.
DeShon
www.youtube.com/deshonj
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