should love be 'natural'?
have you ever met someone, and from the moment of your first words exchanged, it just seemed as if some kind of magic love dust had been sprinkled on the two of you exclusively? you immediately clicked, as if there was just an undeniable connection that the two of you shared, along with cohesive views on life and love, cracking up at the same corny jokes, even bonding over your mutual obsession with butterfinger ice cream and the CNN political news ticker.
well, due to certain events of the last month of my life regarding my relationship, and the relationships of my siblings, friends, and coworkers, i have been thinking very heavily about this whole 'love is hard work' thing.
call me an idealist, but it seems to me that love should have a certain amount of 'natural feel' to it. it shouldn't be all work. now i know that of course keeping a relationship interesting and fresh and love new requires some work on both sides. but should it be ALL work? should it be a JOB just to love your partner with the same intensity as they love you? i have always been a believer in destiny and soul mates and finding your 'perfect match' (and i think there are several 'perfect matches' possible for any one person), so i guess that is why some things have been troubling me as of late.
you see, i've experienced a natural love. the kind of love where things just kind of fall into place. i've been in the 'just be' love. where the initial newness isn't the only time you feel like you're floating in the clouds. it doesn't just wear off with time because you two share the kind of intensity that people look at and say, 'damn.' if you disagree with each other, you can talk about it without someone's blood pressure rising. now of course 'mama said there'd be days like this', but how many days like this is one too many? how many arguments based on your core differences/beliefs is just too much? how far of a gap can there be between your similarities and personalities and compatibility before you say "you know what, we just aren't meant to be."
i do believe that marriage is hard work. but that's understandable. when you get married, several other factors are involved. you have bills together, accounts, mortgages, children, legal documents. so i can understand why people say that 'marriage is hard work.' but should the love itself be just as hard? is it okay to settle for a good relationship with a good mate....or should we all be striving for a great relationship with your soul mate?
how much work should you invest? is it possible to 'grow' to love someone as intensely as you would if it just happened 'naturally'? maybe i'm delusional. maybe i've just been fortunate in my experiences with love. maybe i'm just being foolish. i just have to believe (because i've been there) that 'easy' love does exist. easy like sunday morning...or at least sunday evening. lol. that's what i want. more importantly, that's what i deserve. the question is, is it possible to build that....or is that something that fate decides?
i wrote this poem a while ago, but i can't say it doesn't still apply to some degree.
there is a piece missing...
i should feel tipsy, right?
the love bug should FEEL like something,
right?
the automatic flick of the switch
in my heart should click,
right?
where are the butterflies?
sweet hellos, long goodbyes?
smiles, hugs, cuddles, adoring stares?
-did i miss something?-
shouldn't there be moments?
time stops, heart drops, outside world fades
lost in love?
where are the long walks in the sand
on the beach
with interlocked fingers and hearts?
where is it?
candlelit dinners, poetry sharing, museum exhibits..
naked beauty at 3am with strong arms, mind, spirit
telling me i'm beautiful...
-where did it go? was it ever here?-
soul searching 6am, bible study, and church at 10
comforting silences, stolen glances,
sexy ear whispers in crowded rooms.
shoulders to cry on in bad times
arms to jump into in celebration
encouraging, believing, achieving....
together
-SOMETHING is definitely missing-
long heart to hearts have been lost
in our busy lives
no time for relationship matters
'just because' gifts morphed into
'i'm sorry i forgot, i'll make it up' promises
gone are the
cherrystrawberry aphrodisiac picnics at sunset
rollerblading on the strip..
whenever, wherever, i want you NOW passion..
lip biting, sheet grabbing, sweat dripping
explosions of nature....
-where is it, dammit?-
intelligent convo, subjects
politics, religion, self-awareness, society
strong morals, opinions, respect for each other....
home training, home cooking, home making..
working hard to provide, but still making time
to rub my feet...
beautiful poetry flowing..
speaks only positivity towards me..
-i am seriously missing something-
strong black man...
got my back AND my front
i got his too..
handles his business
boardroom to bedroom
from, hello mr..to whaddup my nicca!
got his shyt together..
vibing to the roots, jay z, aerosmith and coltrane
without missing a beat
real man. real woman. best friends.
the missing piece of my life..
-where is it?-
not here.
excitement, passion, longing
have all fled
a shell of what we used to be...
a photo album of happier times
is all that remains...
very 'significant other' has become
under appreciated 'spouse'
need to find my missing link..
yin to my yang..
i know it's out there...
just have to find it....
my missing piece.
21 comments:
BRAVO! BRAVO! Girl, you captured what i feeling so well...i just don't know what to say, but i hear ya! Great Piece! And you are right love shouldn't be hard, or something to be worked, it should be natural and we know when it is,...on the other hand, relationships take work.
Goodness, miss muze. That's a tough question that can't be answered by anyone but YOU! My only words of wisdom (not really wisdom, but experience), are that it's better to be alone than to settle for something that's just a'ight...ESPECIALLY when you know you can do better. Love is work indeed, but how much work you're willing to do should be equally matched by your partner. One person shouldn't be the only one working, or wanting the relationship to last. If that's the case, you've gotta ask yourself, "why exactly do I want this to work? am I simply afraid of being alone?" And, even in those "easy love" relationships, there's work...but it's easier to put in your work when you KNOW that your partner loves you just as much and when you have a friendship at the core that can withstand the hard times. Blah blah blah...
by the way, your poem is awesome...
Great Post! In my heart of hearts...I believe love should be EASY! And the things that you need to do to keep it going strong...should be your pleasure...a small price to pay to keep the love going on...but that is not my experience. I, too, have experienced lots of easy love...but honestly...it was never with the person I was committed to. It was just a friend that became more...or that I shared a very special bond with...but they werent my man. So...I dont know...I hope that lightening does strikes twice...cuz me no likey working too hard in Love.
Love is natural and hard to do. As humans, we have insecurities and Love is vulnerable and giving. That is hard with all the walls we put up as humans.
We also battle with the evil side of our flesh which can be greedy and sometimes wants more than it gives.
Love takes time, patience and practice. In this whacked out society, alot of folks don't want to invest in the effort.
Damn, if that first paragraph did not discribe how I felt when I met a certain young lady last year.
Natural muze, I too am waiting for that soul mate. A "good" mate just won't do. If I'm not feeling him from the start, if I have to force myself to find that "something" about him that makes me want to say heeeyy!...than it's not real. Au naturale...keepin it real, because if it isn't natural than it's manufactured and may not last. Now, your poem hit home with me, as soon as I absorbed what your poem was saying the Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack lyrics saying "where is the love..." jumped into my head! Where is the love?
I think anyone with an ounce, really less -- picolitre maybe?, of introspection has been in that place.
And like others, you've experienced the grace that goes along with the rare 'wow, it just works', relationship.
Those relationships are soooooooo great that I think they burden us with baggage (emotional and other). I say this because until you're in another one of those graceful, seamless relationships, you try to recreate that experience with everyone else you get involved with.
We all know that once you start comparing, it's basically over because no one can live up to an ideal.
As with all intense emotional reactions, love isn't rational or even explicable, that's what makes it an ideal. A concept that most everyone is familiar with but at a loss to accurately describe (like explaining the colour orange to a person blind since birth).
So, in our attempt to rationalize love we assign it quantitative and qualitative measurements that are approximations. The problem is that statistics are not reality, they describe reality under certain conditions. Even though the whole is often greater than the sum of its parts, we don't have all the parts for an accurate assessment because we can't even define all the parts.
So here we are, walking around with our 'love set' of traits that we try to match up with people that we meet. This approach, while often locating generally interesting people with whom you are compatible, usually fails to produce the aforementioned relationships of grace.
I mean really, have you ever met 2.3 kids?
@mzrepresent: thank you! i think love shouldn't be hard...but i know that relationships do take work.
@the l: thanks for the love babe.
@keelah: thanks! well maybe that's my issue...i need to be friends first! lol.
@shai: wow. i really needed to read that today. thanks.
@organized noise: yeah that was me a while ago.
@alisha: lol. yeah that poem i wrote when i was with the ex. (search archives to see how THAT went. lol) but i can't say that it applies totally. i mean, there is love...but you know, where is the 'butterflies in my stomach' love?
@mwangangi: you know what? i've never thought of it that way. but i have heard other men say it. that we create such a perfect person based on the great qualities that each of our previous men had, that no one measures up.
at the same time though, i do feel that there are people in life that you will meet, date, and love that will just be like walking on sunshine. and i think that's what we all should be striving for.
...and no, lol, i've never met 2.3 kids. but apparently, the perfect family has 2.5...
great post! what is there to say but it is truly complicated? what i do know is that it DOES take effort to make it work. everything else is never certain.
Muze, this is a toughie. Your poem is gorgeous and completely captures the feeling that, judging from the comments, a lot of other people experience. I'm not sure about how love should be. I believe there can be an instant feeling of comfort with someone, where you feel like that person simply knows you. I haven't experienced it yet but I have hope.
Then again, we can't live our lives with one foot out the door. This fear of settling might end up keeping us away from happiness because we're always looking for that soul mate and never seeing (or fully appreciating) what's in front of us. Or maybe we'll understand all of this in a few years. Age seems to help with things like this.
I'm digging it! Thanks for stopping by. You and I are of a similar mindset about love. I'll be sure to visit again.
Love always has the possibility to be nurtured or wither and die, but I feel that at the heart of it, your statement is a true one. It does have the potential to be effortless given the right couple. Respect on the other hand, can be the really challenging thing. Especially when you start to feel that you are owed other things for your love besides simply having it requited.
I agree with Teej. Love does take effort. Even when you feel you have met your soul mate, there are issues that will always test your relationship. While fate may play an intricate role in your love life, I rest assured in the fact that every couple has difficult times.
Your poem was marvelous. The structure and rhythm complimented your message. Beautiful work.
By the way, your blog is very interesting.
but isn't love always natural? i mean, there is love and there is like, and when you do fall in love, isn't it because the alchemy you describe has been happening? then, a day may come when the cnn news ticker still amuses you but he prefers msnbc's, and so it begins the de-naturalization of your love. isn't love always mirroring until it becomes grieving?
It should come as no surprise that I definitely feel you on this one; I'm actually working on an entry about this as we speak. Great poem, by the way!
thank you all for your comments and compliments. i feel all fuzzy inside! lol.
@porscha: but is there ever a point where appreciating what's in front of you is just not enough?
@blog portland:"Respect on the other hand, can be the really challenging thing. Especially when you start to feel that you are owed other things for your love besides simply having it requited."
^^totally feel you. you owe each other nothing but love.
@erina hart: hey! thanks for stopping by..and the linkage! your blog is equally awesome. :)
@c j.: i guess it can be like that...but i like to think that if it's natural, then the work that is required is a lot less. and thanks for stopping by!
@j. dakar: hey! thanks...i'm gonna have to come check your post out now.
I've been thinking about this myself. I believe in soulmates, but I think that the vast majority of married women settled for less than "natural love" or soul mates for other reasons (like childbearing years running out etc.) I'm with someone I'm not in love with because he's a good man and it's a good relationship. As I get older, I'm honestly beginning to believe that old saying, "a man should love his wife more than she loves him." It sucks, but those have, in my experience, been the best relationships as far as how those men have treated me. Men seem to prefer the women who aren't really into them. Go figure.
@anonymous: yes, men love the chase. and even when they have you...they love to feel like they still have to work to 'get' you...if that makes any sense. my brother told me that once...i don't know though.
i think it's possible for you to love your man with the same enthusiasm as he loves you and you both remain happy. but my head is in the clouds, and i know this. lol.
Any relationship, of any kind, takes maintenance, compromise, etc.
But I think the hype about how "love is hard work" is propaganda to keep people, esp. women, in bad relationships. There should be ease in it and it should be fun and energizing. Not tiring and draining.
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