true story: the amazing booty bandit

i have a friend.

and no, this friend is not me. this friend is a he. he jokingly calls himself the booty bandit. i know, i know.

he just recently started a job where he one of only three men in a staff of thirty people. he is handsome, intelligent, suave, in a high position for his young age, drives a BMW, and is very aware of the rarity of this kind of black man that is heterosexual. so, he takes full advantage of it. he is a man of extravagant taste in everything, including women.

he called me on his first day in a excited tizzy, telling me all about the fine, beautiful, pretty, 'thick' and not-so-pretty women there, and which ones he was going to pursue and for what reason. i told him that during college that was okay, but now that he is older he really needs to start settling down his ways and at least keep it to two or three women that he talks to. of course, he didn't listen.

fast forward six months. my friend has slept/is sleeping with five women in his building, including seducing the boss who was originally scolding him for mixing too much pleasure with work and causing chaos in the workplace between jealous women with his booty bandit ways. i told him pretty soon i was going to make him some 'wanna have a good time? call 1-800-b-bandit' cards in a minute if he kept this up.

everyone knew he was a player. but when he started messing with the women at his place of employment, rumors started flying; what woman he was sleeping with now? was one of the pregnant? and who gave him the rolex? did he know so-and-so has a husband? damn shame that woman is 15 years older than him.

one day he received in his work email an invitation to their annual charity dinner, in which his company donates a significant sum of money to the charity that supports the cause of their choice. last year's was breast cancer. he was really moved seeing as though his mother is a survivor of breast cancer. so he decided to definitely go this year too. the specifics weren't detailed in the email, but he already knew it would be a very formal black-tie affair.

saturday night he was dressed to the nines in his black tux and a.testoni oxfords (why someone would pay $900 for a pair of shoes is beyond me) and a date that didn't work at his office. this had been especially pleasing to the now SIX women he had been intimate with whom were employed there.

he pulled up to the valet with his beautiful date (if you see me with a shorty best believe she's a ten) and was surprised to be met with a full room of thunderous clapping upon entering. he smiled his winning smile and saw five of the women he'd got and forgot sitting at the front table. on the stage was his boss, the woman who he'd had sneaking to call him when her husband fell asleep. she was beaming and clapping also. behind her, a huge screen displayed a picture of my friend smiling. the headline read the title to an aids research organization in big bold letters.

my friend was confused. he looked to the podium at his smiling boss for answers just as she began speaking.

"for years, the epidemic of HIV and AIDS has been terrorizing america. now thanks to (company), and in particular, (my friend)'s generous donation, there will be more hope for a cure for patients living with this disease. we are happy that he is donating to a cause that has affected him so personally. welcome him as he says a few words for us."

thunderous applause again.

my friend was shocked. he hadn't heard of this until this very moment. on his way up to the podium, his date stopped and sat at a table. one of the ladies occupying the table in front handed him a company-embossed envelope. when he opened it, written in red on the inside flap was: "glad the booty bandit is finally learning how to give back something worthy of our time."

when he told me this story i almost died laughing. especially when he said the next monday at work he spent half the morning explaining to people that he doesn't have AIDS. he is seriously thinking about suing, but i thought it was all hysterical. apparently, the group of colleagues each put in money and sent an email to the corporate office in my friend's name saying how he wanted to donate to this specific cause because it had just recently affected him personally.

don't tell him i told ya'll though. ;-)

and no, he still hasn't learned his lesson. and he still calls himself the booty bandit.