na na now that that don't kill me...

after all of the stealing and cheating
you probably think that I hold resentment for you
but, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know how just how capable I am to pull through
so I wanna say thank you, cause it...

makes me that much stronger
makes me work a little bit harder
makes me that much wiser
so thanks for making me a fighter...

made me learn a little bit faster
made my skin a little bit thicker
makes me that much smarter
thanks for making me a fighter



i can look back and know that he was weak. using me as the doormat to stomp his feet free of all his own inadequacies. i was never enough.

never pretty enough. thin enough. smart enough.

i can see now that i was more than enough. too much. i can think with a clear and rational mind now and know that it was him who had the issues.


yet sometimes, looking back still pisses me off.

only because of the years lost. the daughter we shared that i had to drag him to see in the NICU. the multiple times i took four different buses from westland to the east side of detroit (for all you michiganders...you feel me) just to see him. the cheating. the abortion. the whole gamut of self-esteem issues he so vehemently piled on me year after year.


most of the time though, i can look back and say thank you.

thank you for insisting that i would never be anything without you.

thank you for the many, many untruths you told me through the course of our relationship.

thank you for taking advantage of my docile personality, my loyality.

thank you for encouraging me to "get the f*ck out" that day, and then proceeding to push me out of the door so hard that i had a bruise on my arm for a week.

thank you for making me believe i was worthless, undesirable, and stupid.

thank you for assuring me there was no other man on the planet that would like me, let alone treat me right.

thank you.


i've had a ball proving you wrong.

surprised even myself at how strong i've become.

because of you, i know i can do anything i choose, anything i put my mind to.

sure, i've lost a bit of my innocence. become harder, tougher, thicker skinned.

in the end though, i owe you this gratitude.


even wrote this poem for you when i was especially grateful that you even decided to call me and see how i was doing. how sweet.


*67

i have a headache.
my ears are almost bleeding
can you puh-leeze stop screaming?
and pathetic is your pleading.
thought you were slick,
dialing *67 so i would answer
shit.
i did.

should've hung up the receiver
as soon as i knew
you were the deceiver.
and i'm still trying
but you're still crying
and i wish i hadn't answered this call.

the woes that befall you
are no longer my problem boo
i'm sorry she dissed you
and no i don't miss you
okay, now can i dismiss you?

no?

what else do you have to say?
you can't just leave things this way?
what way? ... they're perfectly fine with me
i've moved on ... can't you see?
what, you thought i'd be drowning in misery?
eyes red from crying a pillow sea?

nope.

well, not exactly.
i've already been through that stage
now i'm in the i don't give a f*ck phase...
the one where your name has been erased
replaced
embracing a new face...

switch!

so, are we done yet?
there's really no more convo.
your voice plus the tears
is a really annoying combo.
why am i so heartless?

hmm ... let's rewind.
you lied
tried to buy time
while she was taking what was mine ...
you deceived
and received
sex from someone not me

but now i'm relieved
so let's just end this conversation...
i have somebody waiting.
well, what can you do?

...go back to masturbating.