airing out

because sometimes you just feel... heavy.

like you've been sitting submerged in a small pool, fully clothed, soaking up all the water until it's just you and the bottom of a plastic, blue circle.

you attempt to get up, to stand upright, but to your surprise, you can't. the weight of your saturated clothes holds you down.

because sometimes ... you just need to either shed the heavy layers, or wring that ish out until it's light enough for you to move.

because ... sometimes you just need to air dry in the sun, quiet your thoughts and just hear yourself breathe in and out.

because sometimes .... you just need a break.


hope you all are fab and flyy for next couple of weeks.

... i'll be working on me.

*smiles*


***breaking news***

new chapter up over on the fiction side of things. so feel free to read up on Ata's latest. i will try to put a new chapter up at least once a week going forward.

thanks everyone for reading. now stop complaining. lol.

i am not my hair... but if i was i'd be flyy. lol.

on a hot day in detroit, a group of young black women around 18-20 enter the local beauty supply store, chattering about who's kid was bad, what dress they're wearing to the club tonight, and how one of their nails needs to be redone.

i enter shortly after them, wearing my typical summer outfit of shorts, american eagle flip-flops, and a tank top. my hair has been washed and left to do what it may. it's chosen state is a curly/kinky/twirly/wavy type fro thing. i walk to the aisle that holds the conditioner i came in to get, humming beyonce's remake of wishing on a star, which happens to be my musical obsession right now, when i'm not listening to anthony david, of course.

two of the girls stop talking, eye me up and down, check out my french pedicure. follow it all the way up to my fro. i'm feeling good, having a good day, so i offer a small smile. only one half-smiles back.

as i walk past, i hear one of them say "her hair is so cute."

i'm guessing it's the one who smiled. seeing as though my aisle is close to where they are all standing checking out different textures of braiding hair to get, i can pretty much hear all they say.

another one immediately responds. "yeah it is. but she probably got some kinda curl, or texturizer in it to make it do that."

yet another adds, "whatever. that is a fro. i wish i would be out in public looking like that."

i turn my head. look at them. a few of them snicker.

"that's why she heard your loud ass." one says.

"i don't care. she know she look a hot ass mess. curl or not, that sh*t ain't poppin."

i look at them again, then turn and walk further down the aisle, away from them.

at the door, a guy walks in. young guy, about 19 or so. he looks at the women as he walks by, glances at a behind or two once he passes them. they all stare him down amorously. he's a little cutie. way too young for me, but still, cute. he comes down my aisle, smiles at me.

"i like your hair." he says as he passes.

i smile. "thank you."

the girls are instantly a chorus of rolling eyes.

when i make my way up to the counter, the asian lady ringing me up studies my head, hard.

"what kind of hair is that?" she says, squinting and leaning to get a better look.

"umm, natural? this is my hair..." i say, a little confused.

"noo no. that's not your hair. that's your hair?" the lady says, still studying.

"yep." i say. "i just don't have a perm. that's all."

"wow. that's so beautiful!! i wish my hair could do that. we pay good money for our hair to be like that." she says, speaking of the afro perms i''ve seen that are so popular in korea.

i smile, say thank you.

two of the girls from the group are behind me, listening and waiting to be checked out.

i turn to leave the beauty supply after paying, glad my good mood wasn't ruined by those girls. before i can make it out the door, one of them stops me.

"excuse me, what do you use in your hair? how long did it take you to get it like that?"

i tell her what products i use, give her some healthy hair info, and write down nappturality.com on a piece of paper for her. she gratefully takes it and compliments my curly/twirly/kinky/wavy fro.

i walk out, humming wishing on a star, and thinking that i just might have converted one.

go nappy girls, go.

haha.


hope all is fab and flyy people.

random ish: it's nothing but words...

* i love this picture. doesn't it look cool? work it mama. hahaha.

* volleyball has officially started, and i'm drained already. between camp and practice and pictures and parents and physicals, i can't breathe. and OH LORD the girls text me like it's going out of style. whew. i still love them though. lol.

* i did a photoshoot with my friend (shout out to Art!) the other day... and i pretty much impressed myself! lol. he's in school in wisconsin and was only here for a week but needed some shots for his portfolio (can you imagine the really skinny guy in HS growing into this buff model? hilarious.) so i volunteered cause hey, i need some shots for my portfolio too. so far i've officially done three great photoshoots. i'm awesome. friends that let you take pictures of them are awesomer. lol.

* i'm very emotionally drained. i need a V8, like something serious. lol.

* i have finally found the perfect combination of products that my hair is in love with. and that makes me happy. :=) V05 tea therapy conditioner = heaven sent.

* i think i'm in need of a blog break. seems to be spreading throughout the blogosphere. even though i did kind of take one last week with my one post (it was a friggin awesome post though, wasn't it? i am in love with that mind spill. so soft and imperfect. who wouldn't want that kind of love?), but still, i feel the need coming on. it's all just too much to keep up with right now. plus ...

* there is something inside me that is drawn to troubled souls. no, seriously. i think it's my unexplainable need to help. and learn. i like to understand. i like to talk to them and experience the inner workings of their minds. it's pretty remarkable how people can experience such horrors and still come out a beautiful person on the other end. i think that's why my characters all have some internal conflict, i like uncovering the damages and mending them. lol.

* my father recently taught me how to make a perfect steak. no matter how you like it-- medium rare, rare, well-done, medium well--i can do it all! PLUS, i can make a killer greek salad now. thank you daddy-o! i would post the video but umm no. but anyhoo, whooo hooo for Muze gaining you-need-to-wife-me-up points! hahaha.

* i want an iphone. so bad. the new one. so so so bad. my stepmother just got one and it is soooo friggin sweet. and only 200 bucks. i NEED it in my life. and yes, she already has my blog saved in her favorites. cause i'm flyy like that. lol. was weird seeing my blog so little though. that phone though, so awesome. i want it. so if anyone feels like being nice... i'm taking donations. lolol.

* so i've decided i'm moving in november or december. after i get my stipend for volleyball i'm just going to pack up and hit the road. wherever the wheels take me is where i'm going. ... the wheels will most likely take me to atlanta. or california. both places have more than a few people i know, and both places have warm weather, most importantly. lol. all i want is to look outside and not see snow on my birthday. february 14th is the date, write it down. lol. so... we'll see. i can't wait. a fresh start is exactly what i need, no question about it.

* "i don't know if i ever loved him, really. i was young but i think now that i was younger than i should have been, for my age. if you see what i mean. anyway, i know i wasn't woman enough to help the man, to give him what he needed."

this is an excerpt from the book 'if beale street could talk', by the great james baldwin. made me think. really made me think. i've met plenty of young women who have experienced waaaay too much. who have had way too 'hard' of a life, and it shows, in their behavior, their language, and their perspectives on life. i worry sometimes that i may be just the opposite. is there such a thing as too innocent? too untainted? i wonder. i've been told i need to experience more. i've been called naive. but what makes one 'woman enough'?

sometimes i think that is the beauty of me. other times i think it is ultimately the reason why my life ends up taking the interesting turns that it does. lol.

* i want a yorkshire terrier. omg they are just the cutest things on the planet. this customer at the bank always brings his in and she's just so little and cute. too bad they cost like $1500... and there's no WAY i'm spending that much on a dog right now, period. lol. one day though... one day.

* i believe that, heaven must be like this
ray of sunshine, kiss upon your skin
just say you love me.... make my day go good.
pot of gold at the, end of the rainbow...

i believe that, love is synonymous
with heaven, such a sensual bliss
the way you touch me, makes this life so good
a reward at the, end of the long road...

can't tell you nothing you ain't already heard...
no matter what i say, it's nothing but words
just let me prove to you what i know is real...
let me express to you the way that i feel...

fairy tales can be, real if you just believe
got my mind made... i don't plan to leave
cause you are meant for me, simple that may be
why be complex, loving you is so easy...

^^ verses (all of them. lol) from my most favoritest song on the planet right now. 'words' by anthony david featuring india arie. touches me. man i love it. love it love it love it. lol. such a supertastic song.

guess that's all.

hope all is fab and flyy!

pretty girl fairy tales, and other randomness

*i have to stop believing in fairy tales. seems they never come true and even when they do, you get a hot blast of reality that cinderella never had to deal with. maybe i am no princess like daddy always told me. maybe there is no prince charming. i believe there is though. i have to believe it. he may not be perfect, but no one is. i know i'm far from it. i don't want perfection. maybe he is a prince almost-charming. maybe i've already got him. maybe i don't. i guess time will tell.

*funny when your mind or heart is worried, it is so intensely piercing that everything else just kind of drops out into the blurry distance. you see the mouths moving. you sometimes even catch a piece of what they're saying. but they're just noise. they can't penetrate the cloud of frustration. you end up with more people mad at you. angry that you have too many issues of your own to sit and talk their's through with them at two in the morning. and when you do, you are at a loss for words when your opinion is asked.

*the mission to find a car has reached an all-time high. honestly i don't care what kind it is at this point, i just want something reliable that isn't a jalopy. like seriously, getting rides sucks fat sweaty balls... in 90-degree weather. it does.

*i have good friends. the kind that you can tell almost anything to and not worry about it being spread around the city. the type that will sit and listen to you cry and gripe about something six days in a row, even when you both know that the minute the conflict is over, you will be there, right back in the very hailstorm that caused your tears. good friends don't throw things up in your face, though.

*why is it that men think if you have curly hair then you are not a 'regular' black girl? and what does a 'regular' black girl look like? i'm going to take a picture of what i look like today. then i'm going to post it. in the summer time, i get a nice bronze tan. i love it. i wear my hair wild and curly. i also love that. but what i DON'T love is being asked every day by some dude "you from the islands, right?" or "you don't look like a 'regular' black girl, what are you?"

ugh. and i'm not even biracial. my father is, i'm not. i don't look like anything but a black woman. geesh. i can only imagine what some other women go through. i don't understand the obsession with the 'exotic'. i mean, they are actually disappointed when i say i am from michigan. lol. if they even get that much conversation from me.

*i was once told that i have the 'pretty girl syndrome', meaning that i am used to getting my way just based on how i look, and when i don't, i get upset. he always said that, and it irritated me to no end. i would get offended, argue about how i was nice and sweet and he was just being mean just to be mean.

... seems i was making his point now that i think about it. ha.

honestly though, i didn't realize this until yesterday. maybe i do have this 'syndrome' he spoke of. the characteristics associated with it that he used to yell out so pointedly, were confirmed yesterday. it made me look at myself in the mirror. am i really this spoiled? sadly, i am. my defense has always been, "well, who doesn't want what they want when they want it?" it's pretty terrible, the ways in which you act and expect people to treat you, just because you are used to it.

i am not saying that i am a b*tch. in no way am i that. i'm actually the coolest person i know. lol. but when it comes to men, i have come to realize that i DO expect them to act a certain way towards me, and when they don't, i don't know how to handle it.

i've seen worse though. much worse.

example: myself and three of my close friends went to Friday's a few weeks back. Friday's has become a sort of hangout for those that want to see and be seen, no longer just a casual neighborhood restaurant. my friends go all the time, it's like their second home. me, i accompany them ever so often. i'm not one for crowds all the time.

my friends are pretty. all of them. so of course, as soon as we sat down at a table by the bar, the men started looking. winking. and sometimes all out staring. before you knew it, all my friends had drinks that they didn't open their wallets for. i don't drink, so i nursed my water like i always do. we ordered at least twenty dollars worth of food each, and sat there eating, talking and having a grand ol time, of course with a continuous stream of "damn, baby" and "what's your name?" and "you got a man?" from the passers-by and sitters-close.

when the bill came, everyone had cash but me. of course the one who works at a bank never carries cash. so, i pulled out my debit card, and handed it to the waitress. just as she walked away, i got up to go to the bathroom. no more than three steps later, a man, dressed nice, about an inch or two taller than me (i had on heels too, so i guess he was tall), bald with a goatee (don't ask me why his description is important. lol) walked up to me casually.

him: "hey, how are you? can i talk to you for a second?"

i was in no mood to speak to any man about if i had a man, or could i have friends, or where we were going after we left here. men are so predictable and unoriginal. i was slightly irritated that he chose me instead of the table i had just left.

me: "what about?"

him: "well, i think you are gorgeous. wanna get to know you."

me: "thank you. but i have a boyfriend."

he looked slightly disappointed. i was glad he didn't go the 'can you have friends?' route.

him: "well, you're sitting at that table right? how much was the bill. you can at least let me buy you all dinner."

i looked at him incredulously. why would he want to buy us dinner? i for one am uncomfortable accepting things from men. my mother always told me nothing in the world is free. nothing. so, i've always been like that. leery.

me: "why?"

him: "four beautiful women do not need to be paying for their own meals, ever."

it was quite astounding. this man willing to pay for our dinners, knowing i wasn't going to give him my number or anymore of my time after this night. i said nothing, just turned and walked back to our table. my friends smiled at me, assessed him with the up and down. he was a cutie.

me: "this guy wants to pay for our meals. he wants to know how much the bill was."

i said that thinking that my friends would all ring out in a chorus of laughs, or at least ask why this stranger wanted to pay our 85 dollar tab.

they didn't though. just smiled, said the amount, and said thank you. the man pulled out five twenties and gave them to me.

him: "you ladies have a nice night. stay fine."

we all watched him walk away, then simultaneously they all started laughing hysterically. i divvied all of their cash back out to them, and we boxed up our food and left. i was bewildered. i have had men offer me things of course. but 100 dollars for nothing? didn't make sense to me at all.

me: "did i just see that? did he really just pay for our meal for no reason?"

my friend: "look at us, woman. he had a reason. we're not supposed to pay for anything."


... guess i'm not the only one with this 'syndrome', huh?

i'm going to change the spoiled behavior though. it's not becoming.

it is said the first step is admitting you have a problem.

see? i'm improving already.

hope all is fab and flyy. *smiles*

the poorness

i am broke.

broke. broke. broke.

hate to open the blog back up with such depression, but after carefully assessing my finances this morning, i have discovered the horrible truth that i am broke.

i hate that ish, too.

what do you do when the person that birthed you, that you love dearly, that is one of your best friends, has drowned you in debt and is constantly adding more effing water to the pool?

how do you handle that?

... cause i don't know how.

and it's starting to piss me off.

i'm focused mannn...

it's easy for me to lose focus.

i've always been that way. my attention spread over ten different things at any given time. guess you could say that it's hard for me to gain focus. so many goals and dreams in my mind and heart, not knowing that i've been the one preventing myself from attaining most of them, through either severe procrastination (i swear, i need to go to meetings or something. lol) or by trying to give my attention to too many different things at once.

let me tell you, multi-tasking is cool, but there is a limit.

i remember when i was about mid-way through writing my novel. i was getting bored with the same old characters, was broke, and going though boyfriend drama. i just up and stopped writing and turned my attention to my jewelry and clothes making. when i was in college i used to design these wife-beater tanks (A-tops for those pc people out there. lol) and make these real flyy eclectic earrings and necklaces, and they sold like hotcakes. it was a fun time in my life.

so i think at a time when everything was bad in my life (i didn't want to be pregnant. i didn't. i was pissed off that i was, actually. i still have not forgiven myself for not wanting her. because then she was born prematurely and lived only two months. sigh.) i turned to something that i used to enjoy.

then one day my mother sat me down. she was disappointed. didn't want me to be a 'starter', someone who starts things and doesn't finish. she said if i really, and i mean really wanted to be a writer and get my book out there, i needed to focus on doing that. i gave her the "well i'm not inspired and i'll create bad work like this" speech, but she was not hearing it. she told me to pray. pray for peace of mind, focus, and motivation.

and so i did.

a couple of days later, i was back to writing. more plots, situations and dialog were blazing through my mind than my pen could keep up with. (i'm old school... pen and paper... then type. lol). it was an amazing thing.

and now, i have once again reached a point of restlessness. i am unhappy with pretty much everything in my life right now. i am not motivated. i am uninspired most of the time. and yesterday, when i thought back to that talk i had with my mom all that time ago, i realized that i am missing the same thing now that i was missing back then.

prayer and focus.

seems like every time i lose focus on what is really important, everything else in my life falls apart. took me forever to figure this out. lol. and i can't blame this lack of prayer (and an overall lack of spiritual well-being in general) on my dating someone who doesn't believe in God. because i had, and have, my own mind. my own heart. my own conscience. and there is no way someone should have been able to influence that. period.

so, i guess it's back to the basics. i have more than a few things i need to sort out in my life. but now i feel that i can. i feel as though a cloud has been lifted. hopefully some greatness can come out of it. lol. i'll even settle for goodness. ha.

feels good to be focused again. lol.


hope all is fab and flyy.

reductions of self

with intensity you gaze at me
hoping i have the answer...
willing me to say the right thing
to keep your anger from skyrocketing

but ... i've never been good under pressure.

placing all your hope in me
to be something i'm not
will only lead to the breaking
of BOTH our hearts

and ... i feel a tear.

it is tiny
almost undetectable
but, like an unseen paper cut

it stings like hell

knowing i can never be enough
shatters me.

to know that i will never be your ideal
lover, wife, soulmate
has me reaching for

unattainable goals

to be what you want me to be...
the way you want me to be it.
which isn't much, ironically

so i find myself imploding
folding and molding
boiling myself down
to bare minimum
adjusting self to fit into your
impossible little box.

... i'm trying baby
i am.

i look in the mirror
and know that it's impossible
to reduce myself...

to divide and deduct
until i have stripped
and subtracted
all that makes me

...me

i am an overabundance
of all the things you believe
are wrong with women 'today'

too strong
too confident
too expressive
too sexual
too open
too free
too ... me

so where does this leave us?
or leave me?
guess i'll keep on
dividing
dwindling
hiding

...replacing strong, confident and expressive
with flaccid, complacent and non-progressive

pushing
smashing
stuffing them into your
impossible little box ...

hoping that i can fit into your
small world

...cause i love you baby.
and i'm trying, i really am

for i want to be your all
i want you to love me for me
even if that me does need to be 'tweaked' a little

...isn't that the word you used?

i'll try to be light
make my thoughts not so heavy
my word not so steady
my mind not so unready
to live in the confines of your
thought process

then will i be enough?
or should i say not enough for you?
if i reduce enough
will you love me like you loved them?

if i spend my nights preparing your meals
instead of my chapters for my novel
will you smile once more?
if i am the perfect stepford wife
you've been looking for?

i know i can be her...
just let me downsize a bit
i know i can be the perfect woman

...the perfect fit

i'll throw away my knowledge
all my world views
hell, i won't even watch the news!
so then, baby will i be
reduced enough to not be me

...but the shell that you want me to be?

back down memory lane...

funny how when you're a child life is so carefree, fun, and is basically just one long romp around in the brightly colored cage of 'balls' (chuck e. cheese, people. lol). maaan... childhood is GREAT. and not that i didn't enjoy the awkward teen years or the good ol' college days... but i was channel surfing the other day and E.T. was on. how cool is that? haven't seen that since... wow. i don't think i can remember the last time i watched that.

anyhoo, that got me to thinking on my favorite childhood things. if you're an 80's baby, holla! lol.

candy: ring pops, nerds and now and laters. yummy. are fruit roll ups considered candy? lol.

cereal: peanut butter cap'n crunch all the way, baby. that's actually STILL one of my favorite cereals. only one that has topped it in adulthood ... and that's raisin bran. oh yeah. lol.


toys: glow worm, my kid sister, my little pony, and my roller skates... all day. the cabbage patch dolls were that deal too. i had like 47 of them... whew daddy spoiled me. lol.

song: 'i'm bad' by michael jackson and 'ain't nobody' by chaka khan. and of course as i got older it was all about The Boys and ABC. hahaha. then Immature... wow. i was totally convinced that i would meet Romeo and he'd fall madly in love. lol.

friends: melissa, latanja, and tawanna. the latter two are still two of my bestest friends.

school subjects: math (can you imagine i used to be good at it? what happened along the way i can't tell you. lol) and creative writing. i didn't know i liked to write. i just knew every year that i would win the 'little storytellers' award for the halloween story contest. it was just a given. lol.


clothing: well don't know if this is clothing, but i LOVED my scrunchies. lolololol. i'd put my hair in the most hideous side ponytail thing and then pile at least three or four brightly colored hair scrunchies around it. wow. just wow.

i also had this michael jackson 'beat it' jacket that i loved to death. i don't think i ever took it off from the time i got it until my grandmother got mad at me one day and put it in the attic. i know right? *tear* lol. and of course, my 'thriller' shirt that i still rock to this day. sad, i know.

tv programs: punky brewster (she was flyy... don't hate. lol) the cosby show (of course) power rangers (smh) the care bears, the smurfs, schoolhouse rock, the flintstones, the muppets, and the jetsons. maaaan, saturday was my FAVORITE day. ever.

books: any beverly cleary book. and a little later, the sweet valley high series. lol.

food: NOTHING like my mommy's spaghetti. and daddy's mashed potatoes. nothing.


memory: my mom was in a all-girl band called Lady Deluxe (yes, SO flyy) and they would perform all around the city (mom on keyboard) and sing all these old songs. some of my favorite memories are being in the drummer's basement (think her name was sheila) and jammin' next to my mom. that is also the reason why 'ain't nobody' by chaka khan is one of my fav all-time songs. they used to play that and JAM. seriously.

fishing with my dad, even though i HATED worms, fish, and the cold water... it was still fun.


what are some of your favorite childhood things?

hope all is fab and flyy. *smiles*

the return of random ish ...

* so i'm officially back to being a curly q head. lol. i rocked the straight, flat-ironed look for about a month and a half ... but it was time to go back to being Natural Muze. ahhh ... freedom. lol. wash, shake, and go. gotta love it.

* i know i'm like years late, but how about i am obsessed with The Wire now? little brother has all the seasons on dvd and i've been watching them for the last three days or so. it's like crack i tell you! and mm mm mm! all i have to say is Idris. Elba. whew. lord. i swear i'd give that man babies. lol. so gangsta. i love it.

* i've been a bad blogger as of late. haven't really had a chance to go blog browsing and read some of my favorite people ... so i apologize for the lack of comments. mind has been elsewhere. mostly on my writing. trying to get 'Operation Quit That Dang Bank Job and Just Write' off the ground. lol. -sidebar- if anyone has a writing gig that they think i would be interested in ... holla! lol.

* i love my little brother. i swear i do. how about he just got this GINORMOUS tattoo in memory of my late angel (daughter) Briyanna. see how big it is? wowza. he's insane. lol. it's an angel holding a baby... and it says her name, birth, and death date. and now i feel all sorts of pressure to get one. will NEVER have one that big though, no way.

* i was supposed to go on a month-long exodus around the country this summer, but that plan was backed up and jacked up by recent events in my life. i can't spend any money now because i'm moving into a house with two of my bestest friends. ...and i have to get a car. boooo to spending money. yay to having my own ish! whew.

* i went to see The Incredible Hulk on father's day. daddy treated though, so i can't say i took him per se, lol, but still ... we had fun. it was really good! and that is sooooo not anything i would EVER go to the movies and see, but i was very impressed. favorite part: dude (who would become Abomination later on) is fighting with the Hulk. Hulk is pissed. lol. dude says, "That all you got?" ... and Hulk proceeds to kick the DOG ISH out of him. hurls him all the way across the field and into a tree. i don't think i've laughed that hard in a LONG while. lol.

* sad face :-( at me missing Obama when he came monday. i had to work, and i had full intentions on going ... but when i got off and called a friend who was down there, she said it was already PACKED and had been for quite a while. i think she got pics though ... so we will see. and can i just say i heart Michelle Obama? she is truly the definition of a strong, intelligent, supportive black woman. no wonder Barack made it this far. lol.

* i might catch flack for this, but i think Jay-Z and Beyonce are the cutest couple ever. seriously. i was watching a show on them the other day (can you imagine i spent a whole hour in 'crazy in love' land? blame it on little sister #1. lol) and they look like they are so in love. with some couples you can just tell it's a farce. but they seem real. age difference doesn't matter, looks don't matter (at least not to B) and together they are worth almost 1 billion dollars. whew. got to love it. i actually developed a little Jay crush while i was watching it, which if you know me ... is shocking. lol. i like his swagger. he's very cool. i can see why B would want him. i can see it.

* i just read somewhere that honesty is the sexiest gift a man can give a woman. i partly agree. even more sexy is when a man who appears to be one way to the world (hard, mean, cold, thuggish, gangster, cruel) is a completely different person when it comes to the woman he loves. sigh. i love it. feels like you have a secret part of them that no one else has. my friend said i have a twisted way of thinking. lol. whatever. i think that's hot. lol.

* i love the summertime. i'm all bronzed and beautiful. yay! can i just say thank you to the sun? lol.

* i went to the Festival of the Arts the other day and got THE most gorgeous crocheted earrings ever. there is a whole post coming up on that though, i took far too many interesting pictures not to. i also got some emu-oil lotion called Dragon's Blood. yes, Dragon's Blood. it actually smells really good and made me really soft. once you get over the name, you're good. lol.

* i HATE rumors. especially false rumors. if you want to know something about me, ask me. i will give you an honest answer. other than that, keep my name out of your fiction. please.


welp, there's more (of course) but i will not bore you all with the tragic details of my life any further. so ... hope all is fab and flyy! *smiles*

the first man i ever loved

he was the first man i ever loved.

the first and only man who completely took my heart and loved me unconditionally.

always told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world.

and i believed him. because he believed it.

he wasn't perfect in any sense. and even though he may not be the 'average' father, he was always the best in my eyes.

growing up, each weekend i would look forward to packing my bags and seeing that gray cadillac pull up. anxiously i'd sit in the big living room bay window and stare out at that space in front of our little brick house, waiting for any trace of the one man who held my heart.

he always showed up too.

i never understood the concept of a daddy not being there, cause mine always was. never had to have my mother explain that daddy was 'busy' or that he 'tried to make it'.

he was always there.

he was always there.

his favorite greeting; "heeyyyy my baby."

i would respond "heyyyy my daddy."

as i got older and the teen-aged days caused things to sprout up in womanly places, he would grimace every time i came over his house for the weekend, my standard uniform of a belly shirt and jeans adorning my body.

"i see i'm gonna have to kill somebody over you, my baby."

i'd just laugh.

and of course we had our rough patches. the indignation so characteristic of the teen years sometimes caused little riffs, a little lipping off. even a separation.

but, girls need their daddies. he knew this.

and he came back. as if nothing had ever happened, i was back to being the daddy's girl i always was.



now that i've reached the age of bills and rent, it feels good that i can still call myself a 'daddy's girl'.

when i need to vent, cry, laugh, discuss an important decision, or just get something off my chest, he is there.

the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally.

the only man who ever will.

the only man who has never broken my heart.

and the only man who never will.



so on father's day, i just want to say to the first man i ever loved ...

i love you, daddy.

now and always.

...and to all the other fathers out there in blogland...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

you are appreciated.

wow. 100 posts? really? geesh.

when i first started this blog, i just wanted to write. do nothing else but write.

i'd read a few articles about starting a blog and bf told me it would be a good thing to do to hone my writing skills and get my name out there.

funny thing is, it has actually happened. lol.

i've been approached by magazines and sites to write for them, i've been noticed by agents and publishers, and i have a nice little community of bloggers that i feel like i 'know' and who know me.

that's why it's hard to believe i'm on my 100th post.wow. 100 times some crazy person has read the mind spills that come forth from my very dorky brain. how cool is that?

with that in mind, i thought i'd do post about what i've learned since i embarked on my blogging journey on june 23rd, 2007:


-i'm a good writer.
sounds funny, i know. but before i started the blog, i had doubts almost daily that i was a good enough writer to be published. i often worried that agents and readers would read my work and be convinced that i had a 7th grade education at best. lol. i don't know why either. just things i had to work on internally i guess. since i've started writing 'publicly' though, i feel like everyone can't be lying to me. lol. it still surprises me the amount of emails i get about particular posts touching people or making them think. when someone thanks me or appreciates me writing something, it just makes all the time spent worth it. seriously.

...plus i won 'best fiction blog'. so that was quite a boost. ha.

-there are a lot of interesting and intelligent people in the blogosphere.
when i first started blogging i read about five blogs: the assimilated negro (my first), blackrageous, blogxilla, the field negro, and what would thembi do.

and that was it. with a few others scattered here and there. now i feel like there are so many exciting and thought-provoking blogs that it is literally impossible to keep up with all of them on a daily basis. even weekly sometimes. i try though. i try. i have to get back to my frequent commenter status.


-things are not always what they seem
some of the drama and things that i've been seeing going on in the blogging world tickle me. seriously. i've fortunately never been the one to be confronted with outright blog drama, but i've been associated with it and seen it happen, and it's usually just a misunderstanding. sometimes we think things are one way, or maybe they even appear to be one way, but online a lot of things can be misconstrued, and a lot of e-feelings hurt for no reason. so make love, not beef, people! lol.

-blogging world is just like real life
you have the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly. the nice people, the mean people, and the people who hate you for no apparent reason. you have people who say things that warm your spirit and who are genuinely good people, and then you have the others, who are not so genuine and whose words get in your spirit and disrupt your day. the next time i hear someone say "maaan it's JUST a blog..." lol. get out of here.

-the right person can do a lot for your name
the day the field negro put me in his 'blog i am feeling' column, i had just learned how to read my sitemeter. lol. had only had it about a week and had the blog for about a month or two. all of a sudden my hits went up by like 100 hits. crazy right? i checked the sitemeter and when i saw my name in that little column on the side, i couldn't help but cheese uncontrollably. lol. really? did the great field negro really feel me like that? wow. i got so many readers from him and i am ever grateful for that. plus his blog is second to none. don't believe me, go read. now.


-you really can grow your blog from nothing to something
blogxilla. the homie. we started our blogs around the same time. i remember how ambitious he was. when the black weblog awards came around, he not only wanted 'best new blog', he wanted 'best entertainment blog', and one other that i can't think of right now. and he was serious. he told me the plan for his blog (to be like, the best ever of course) and he now has a widely known entertainment blog, he contributes to nicole bitchie's super blog, and has started a growing network of bloggers called The Urban Blogger (i've gotten at LEAST twenty new readers from that site. seriously) so, i think he's awesome. and i wanna be like him when i grow up. there's a lot to be said for networking.

-i've 'dumbed' down a lot of my posts. and that has to stop. now.
i used to really think about what i was going to write. not really long drawn out thoughts, but i did think about them. i wrote posts on subjects that i felt strongly about in my heart. (check the flyyest posts thus far...) sometimes each and every comment that i received were mini blog posts. that made me feel good. people actually read what i wrote and had an opinion on my opinion. now that my time has been shortened and my blog circle has increased tremendously, i have started writing funny posts. or cute posts. or posts that don't really have anything to do with my writing. and that's fine. but i need to get back to my old blogger style. and i will.


overall, i think blogging has helped me grow as a writer. enabled me to hone my networking skills. gave me a bigger 'voice' than myspace or xanga ever did. and i've managed to encounter some really cool people along the way.

hopefully it just gets better from here.

hope all is fab and flyy and thank you all for reading my lil spot.

*smiles*

mind spilling

not much to speak on today. so i'll just mind spill ...

i've been feeling a little down lately. but i am positive my happiness will be greatly increasing in the next few weeks and months. i pray.

...it betta get betta. whew.

my wtf moment of the week...

my face. well rather the skin on my face. has been pissing me off. breaking out. i'm 26 years old. what the hell. ugh. ah well. it will go away. just makes me angry. that's how i KNOW i've been stressing. booooo.

on the up side, little sister #1 and i are going to see kanye TOMORROW. wooooo hoooo!!! operation 'seduce kanye' is still on. lol.

cool story ...

so my mom and little sister #1 called me on speaker phone monday. little sis was screaming with glee in the background.

my mom asked, "are you sitting down?"

i said "no, why?"

mom: "sit down!!"

me: "why?"

mom: "cause i just won you kanye west tickets!!"

me: "huh? don't play with my heart. seriously. that is just cruel."

-sidebar- when i said i was going to the kanye concert, i was purchasing them that day. thing is, only seats i was willing to pay for were waaay far. the ones closer to the stage (but still very very far away) were unreasonably priced, so i was a little depressed that i'd have a nosebleed during the concert.

-resume-

little sis#1: "noooo! she is serious!! *screams* i can't wait!!! ohmygod what are you going to wear?? this is gonna be so much fun!!!"

me: "so ya'll are serious? like for real?"

mom: "yes! they asked on the radio why you deserved to go to the concert and i told them and i won! they're really good seats too!!"

me: *screams like a little kid* "you are sooo the best mom ever in life. ever."


so yeah, i'm going. and i won't have a nosebleed. yay. now to find a way to sneak my camera in. there's no way i'm not getting some pics. me thinks i will hide it with my 'goodies'. lol. they try to check there and i'll scream harassment. ha!

and yesterday, my mom informed me that a friend of a friend just gave her floor seats to the celtics/pistons game on saturday. and i'm going to that also. yay.

how cool am i?

random...

have you ever watched a real life love story unfold? it's a pretty awesome thing to witness.

that random ish...

* my mind is so cluttered today. i know right? it's only 10:15 in the morning. you can tell how my day is going to be. lol.

* i've had like the same seven songs in my head for the last week or so, so if i have a lot of music links, that is why.

* this belly ring is kinda cool. sexy time baby! lol. but it's oozing some kind of liquid that is turning to crust that i have to wipe off every couple of hours. now THAT is unsexy. apparently that means it's healing though. still, gross.

* my little brother's girlfriend got her's done the other day. she cried. ha! i don't feel like such a punk anymore.

* i got my stimulus check like waaay earlier than everyone else. ha! i didn't stimulate anything though. just put it in the savings. *planning my getaway slowly* lol.

* having no car sucks. i mean really sucks. like sucks fat sweaty arsecrack. seriously.

* if you loaned your friend some super sexy stilettos and she had sex in them, would you be mad?

* 'touch my body' by mariah carey is my JAM. but um, how hilarious is it that she has to warn this person not to put her on youtube? are you seriously effing with someone that would put your tape on youtube? wow. lol.

* and i can't believe she married nick cannon. like, married. and got tats. like, big tats. with each other's name. on one hand it sounds so crazy. on the other it is soooo romantic. to be swept up in romance and love is one of the greatest feelings. high fives to nick for snagging him a sugar mama. ha!

* so i don't know if i told this, but i'm going to the kanye concert!!! whooooo hoooo! can't wait can't wait can't wait. i mean, he IS single now. the plan is to get backstage and seduce him with my flyyness so that he immediately drops to his knees and says "Muze, PLEASE marry me...now!" ha! i'd so do it. ...if i was also single. lol. (heyyy bf. you know i'm just playing...right? lol)

* volleyball season is starting soon. can't wait. i miss my girls. this will be my fourth year and all my best girls are now seniors looking forward to college. it will be a bittersweet year for sure. but we WILL kick some major arse this year. yay coach Muze! lol.


* it's weird that a few of my girls ^^ are on facebook and are my friends. same with myspace. i can't really say things that i may be feeling cause they will see. have to be an example. couldn't turn down their friend requests, you know? lol. lets me monitor them and fuss them out when i see them talking innappropriately though. they know i'm watching now. so they change that f*ck to an 'eff'. lol. it's hilarious. betta had.

* i kinda miss my sister being on the team. ahh well. good times.

* my new nickname to a few of my friends is 'rock star'. i think it's cute. kinda. i have waaay to many nicknames now though. ha. speaking of rock star, the song by the very same name by nickelback is like one of my favorites ever. 'heyyy heeyyy i wanna be a rock star!' lol.

i wanna be great like elvis, without the tassles
hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up assholes
sign a couple autographs so i can eat my meals for free...

* i miss the 'i'm your baby tonight' whitney. i've been jamming to that for the last week or so.

*go pistons!!!! whoooo hoooo! we soooo rock. i didn't even realize this is the sixth year in a row that we will be in the eastern conference finals. work it out. bf is beyond ecstatic. lol.

* 'okay' by nivea always reminds me of my friends. we used to listen to it before hitting the club. getting our snooty girl head bob on. (you'd have to see it.) 'feelin good, feeling great. i look good... don't hate.' the first guy that raps from the youngbloodz has such a cute southern accent. i like southern accents. so cute. i have a friend that is sooo country. and he's from florida so i don't understand how his voice is THAT country. lol. always saying "yeah i looked at your blo-ug today.." hilarious. blo-ug? like blouse with a g. it's blog homie. like clog. lol.

* why is 'sexy, can i?' every dude's new pick up line? sooo annoying. um, NO you can't.

*i'm so sad that i had to give four pairs of brand new shoes away. apparently my foot has grown since last year and so when i bought four new pairs of shoes from 6pm.com (my new obsession) they ALL were too small. dangit. i gave them to the little sisters, mom, and my brother's gf though. so that was my good for the week. little sister #1 wore hers to a dance at michigan state. looked absolutely FABULOUS. i taught her well. lol.


well that's it. hope all is fab and flyy.

peaces.

things not to say in a room full of white people.

the recent case of susan lefevre has sparked some very interesting conversations.


frolicky gay white man: "see, i totally don't think she should go to jail. i mean, come on now, she's like, a total model citizen now."

young white lady: "i totally agree. she has been rehabilitated. she was nineteen. she is a model citizen now. raised three lovely kids, contributing member of her church and community, i mean, she's basically me in twenty years."

i'm standing there, saying nothing. minding my business. listening.

frolicky gay white man: "you should like, totally be a judge. some of these crazy people are saying she should go to jail. that's so stupid. this lady is no harm to anyone."

young white lady: "yeah they are so stupid to think that. why would you put her in jail? that was ages ago. and you wouldn't even get that sentence now a days for that crime."

i look at the black man in front of me, minding his business, yet quietly shaking his head as he listens. probably thinking the same thing as i am. i can't take it any longer. maybe i shouldn't say anything, but if i don't, it will eat at me.

me: "so, can i ask a question? what about all those people who got the same sentence for the same crime who just got out of jail ten years ago?"

young white lady: "well ... too bad for them. i mean, i'd be pissed if i was them, but it makes no sense to put her in jail and spend money on jailing some innocent, harmless lady."

me: "she's not innocent. she escaped from jail. she trafficked drugs. she stole some dead person's identity for thirty years. so do you think she should get a fine at least?"

young white lady: "umm no. why would they do that? she's paid her debt to society. she has become a good citizen."

me: "so did tookie williams."

young white lady: "who?"

me: "exactly. so you're telling me if this was the same story, but it was him" (pointing to the young black guy in front of me) "you telling me you would feel the same way? be honest."


uncomfortable silence.


me: "there are few things a black man can do in america and get away with it. even if it isn't something wrong. sometimes he's just going to a friggin bachelor party the night before his wedding. i just feel that, if it was a black man, there would be a very different headline. maybe something like 'dangerous drug dealer found after thirty years! made to serve rest of sentence at age 50.' there would be no pondering of what should become of him. his ass would be in jail. that would be the story."

frolicky gay white man: "wow ... i uh, never thought about it like that. i still wouldn't think he should go to jail though. honestly."

me: "sure you wouldn't. i say fine her ass 500,000 dollars and put it towards these broke down schools in detroit. that could at least buy some up to date books. make her do 5,000 hours of community service, 'rehabilitating' young black men who were caught selling drugs. since she knows so much about turning your life around."


uncomfortable silence.


the black man in front of me smiles. nods at me. looks over at them and shakes his head. then takes his money.

me: "you have a wonderful day, sir."

guess i'm not too old after all.

since i was around seventeen or eighteen, my friends have been trying to get me to do it.

i'd laugh, promise i would with the next bold friend that went, and then i'd be 'busy' when the day finally came. or i'd be sick. or hanging with my boyfriend, or something that would prevent me from having to keep my word.

i was scared.

and i know it was only a five second discomfort at most, but i still wasn't with it. when i reached age 21, again, my friends, although college friends this time, tried to get me to go through with it.

never happened. i was so chicken it wasn't even funny.

and i've been perfectly okay with never having that experience. ever. never needed to put on a swimsuit or some little top and reveal it for the world to see. never had that urge. always thought it was cute, but that's as far as my admiration went. period.

all that changed yesterday.

on a whim, little sister number 1 called me, no actually sent me a text, that said 'let's go get our belly buttons pierced today!'

i thought it was a joke. told her maybe tomorrow or thursday. her reply was 'noooo. today!'

and the rest is history folks.



26 and my first time getting my navel pierced. the things a big sister will do, i tell you. especially considering that her's didn't hurt in the slightest and mine, with the thick skin above my navel, almost killed me. lol.



seriously. when she was piercing my sister, the needle slid through, no problem. mine however, almost got stuck and she had to try several times to get it through the top layer of my skin. i of course, knew this, which is one of the reasons i have never gotten it done.



of course, bf captured the whole experience on camera. we're such dorks. i was video taping and he was snapping pics with his professional lens. you'd have thought beyonce was making an appearance at Ink Addiction. lol.





but ahh well. it's here. it's cute. bf loves it, and i feel 18 again. lol.







hope all is fab and flyy.

thoughts on a saturday night ...

-i was on da vinci's blog earlier and he mentioned one of my favorite songs (which is why he's so cool...good taste. lol). sunday morning by maroon 5.

Sunday morning rain is falling