airing out

because sometimes you just feel... heavy.

like you've been sitting submerged in a small pool, fully clothed, soaking up all the water until it's just you and the bottom of a plastic, blue circle.

you attempt to get up, to stand upright, but to your surprise, you can't. the weight of your saturated clothes holds you down.

because sometimes ... you just need to either shed the heavy layers, or wring that ish out until it's light enough for you to move.

because ... sometimes you just need to air dry in the sun, quiet your thoughts and just hear yourself breathe in and out.

because sometimes .... you just need a break.


hope you all are fab and flyy for next couple of weeks.

... i'll be working on me.

*smiles*


***breaking news***

new chapter up over on the fiction side of things. so feel free to read up on Ata's latest. i will try to put a new chapter up at least once a week going forward.

thanks everyone for reading. now stop complaining. lol.

pretty girl fairy tales, and other randomness

*i have to stop believing in fairy tales. seems they never come true and even when they do, you get a hot blast of reality that cinderella never had to deal with. maybe i am no princess like daddy always told me. maybe there is no prince charming. i believe there is though. i have to believe it. he may not be perfect, but no one is. i know i'm far from it. i don't want perfection. maybe he is a prince almost-charming. maybe i've already got him. maybe i don't. i guess time will tell.

*funny when your mind or heart is worried, it is so intensely piercing that everything else just kind of drops out into the blurry distance. you see the mouths moving. you sometimes even catch a piece of what they're saying. but they're just noise. they can't penetrate the cloud of frustration. you end up with more people mad at you. angry that you have too many issues of your own to sit and talk their's through with them at two in the morning. and when you do, you are at a loss for words when your opinion is asked.

*the mission to find a car has reached an all-time high. honestly i don't care what kind it is at this point, i just want something reliable that isn't a jalopy. like seriously, getting rides sucks fat sweaty balls... in 90-degree weather. it does.

*i have good friends. the kind that you can tell almost anything to and not worry about it being spread around the city. the type that will sit and listen to you cry and gripe about something six days in a row, even when you both know that the minute the conflict is over, you will be there, right back in the very hailstorm that caused your tears. good friends don't throw things up in your face, though.

*why is it that men think if you have curly hair then you are not a 'regular' black girl? and what does a 'regular' black girl look like? i'm going to take a picture of what i look like today. then i'm going to post it. in the summer time, i get a nice bronze tan. i love it. i wear my hair wild and curly. i also love that. but what i DON'T love is being asked every day by some dude "you from the islands, right?" or "you don't look like a 'regular' black girl, what are you?"

ugh. and i'm not even biracial. my father is, i'm not. i don't look like anything but a black woman. geesh. i can only imagine what some other women go through. i don't understand the obsession with the 'exotic'. i mean, they are actually disappointed when i say i am from michigan. lol. if they even get that much conversation from me.

*i was once told that i have the 'pretty girl syndrome', meaning that i am used to getting my way just based on how i look, and when i don't, i get upset. he always said that, and it irritated me to no end. i would get offended, argue about how i was nice and sweet and he was just being mean just to be mean.

... seems i was making his point now that i think about it. ha.

honestly though, i didn't realize this until yesterday. maybe i do have this 'syndrome' he spoke of. the characteristics associated with it that he used to yell out so pointedly, were confirmed yesterday. it made me look at myself in the mirror. am i really this spoiled? sadly, i am. my defense has always been, "well, who doesn't want what they want when they want it?" it's pretty terrible, the ways in which you act and expect people to treat you, just because you are used to it.

i am not saying that i am a b*tch. in no way am i that. i'm actually the coolest person i know. lol. but when it comes to men, i have come to realize that i DO expect them to act a certain way towards me, and when they don't, i don't know how to handle it.

i've seen worse though. much worse.

example: myself and three of my close friends went to Friday's a few weeks back. Friday's has become a sort of hangout for those that want to see and be seen, no longer just a casual neighborhood restaurant. my friends go all the time, it's like their second home. me, i accompany them ever so often. i'm not one for crowds all the time.

my friends are pretty. all of them. so of course, as soon as we sat down at a table by the bar, the men started looking. winking. and sometimes all out staring. before you knew it, all my friends had drinks that they didn't open their wallets for. i don't drink, so i nursed my water like i always do. we ordered at least twenty dollars worth of food each, and sat there eating, talking and having a grand ol time, of course with a continuous stream of "damn, baby" and "what's your name?" and "you got a man?" from the passers-by and sitters-close.

when the bill came, everyone had cash but me. of course the one who works at a bank never carries cash. so, i pulled out my debit card, and handed it to the waitress. just as she walked away, i got up to go to the bathroom. no more than three steps later, a man, dressed nice, about an inch or two taller than me (i had on heels too, so i guess he was tall), bald with a goatee (don't ask me why his description is important. lol) walked up to me casually.

him: "hey, how are you? can i talk to you for a second?"

i was in no mood to speak to any man about if i had a man, or could i have friends, or where we were going after we left here. men are so predictable and unoriginal. i was slightly irritated that he chose me instead of the table i had just left.

me: "what about?"

him: "well, i think you are gorgeous. wanna get to know you."

me: "thank you. but i have a boyfriend."

he looked slightly disappointed. i was glad he didn't go the 'can you have friends?' route.

him: "well, you're sitting at that table right? how much was the bill. you can at least let me buy you all dinner."

i looked at him incredulously. why would he want to buy us dinner? i for one am uncomfortable accepting things from men. my mother always told me nothing in the world is free. nothing. so, i've always been like that. leery.

me: "why?"

him: "four beautiful women do not need to be paying for their own meals, ever."

it was quite astounding. this man willing to pay for our dinners, knowing i wasn't going to give him my number or anymore of my time after this night. i said nothing, just turned and walked back to our table. my friends smiled at me, assessed him with the up and down. he was a cutie.

me: "this guy wants to pay for our meals. he wants to know how much the bill was."

i said that thinking that my friends would all ring out in a chorus of laughs, or at least ask why this stranger wanted to pay our 85 dollar tab.

they didn't though. just smiled, said the amount, and said thank you. the man pulled out five twenties and gave them to me.

him: "you ladies have a nice night. stay fine."

we all watched him walk away, then simultaneously they all started laughing hysterically. i divvied all of their cash back out to them, and we boxed up our food and left. i was bewildered. i have had men offer me things of course. but 100 dollars for nothing? didn't make sense to me at all.

me: "did i just see that? did he really just pay for our meal for no reason?"

my friend: "look at us, woman. he had a reason. we're not supposed to pay for anything."


... guess i'm not the only one with this 'syndrome', huh?

i'm going to change the spoiled behavior though. it's not becoming.

it is said the first step is admitting you have a problem.

see? i'm improving already.

hope all is fab and flyy. *smiles*

i'm focused mannn...

it's easy for me to lose focus.

i've always been that way. my attention spread over ten different things at any given time. guess you could say that it's hard for me to gain focus. so many goals and dreams in my mind and heart, not knowing that i've been the one preventing myself from attaining most of them, through either severe procrastination (i swear, i need to go to meetings or something. lol) or by trying to give my attention to too many different things at once.

let me tell you, multi-tasking is cool, but there is a limit.

i remember when i was about mid-way through writing my novel. i was getting bored with the same old characters, was broke, and going though boyfriend drama. i just up and stopped writing and turned my attention to my jewelry and clothes making. when i was in college i used to design these wife-beater tanks (A-tops for those pc people out there. lol) and make these real flyy eclectic earrings and necklaces, and they sold like hotcakes. it was a fun time in my life.

so i think at a time when everything was bad in my life (i didn't want to be pregnant. i didn't. i was pissed off that i was, actually. i still have not forgiven myself for not wanting her. because then she was born prematurely and lived only two months. sigh.) i turned to something that i used to enjoy.

then one day my mother sat me down. she was disappointed. didn't want me to be a 'starter', someone who starts things and doesn't finish. she said if i really, and i mean really wanted to be a writer and get my book out there, i needed to focus on doing that. i gave her the "well i'm not inspired and i'll create bad work like this" speech, but she was not hearing it. she told me to pray. pray for peace of mind, focus, and motivation.

and so i did.

a couple of days later, i was back to writing. more plots, situations and dialog were blazing through my mind than my pen could keep up with. (i'm old school... pen and paper... then type. lol). it was an amazing thing.

and now, i have once again reached a point of restlessness. i am unhappy with pretty much everything in my life right now. i am not motivated. i am uninspired most of the time. and yesterday, when i thought back to that talk i had with my mom all that time ago, i realized that i am missing the same thing now that i was missing back then.

prayer and focus.

seems like every time i lose focus on what is really important, everything else in my life falls apart. took me forever to figure this out. lol. and i can't blame this lack of prayer (and an overall lack of spiritual well-being in general) on my dating someone who doesn't believe in God. because i had, and have, my own mind. my own heart. my own conscience. and there is no way someone should have been able to influence that. period.

so, i guess it's back to the basics. i have more than a few things i need to sort out in my life. but now i feel that i can. i feel as though a cloud has been lifted. hopefully some greatness can come out of it. lol. i'll even settle for goodness. ha.

feels good to be focused again. lol.


hope all is fab and flyy.

guess i'm not too old after all.

since i was around seventeen or eighteen, my friends have been trying to get me to do it.

i'd laugh, promise i would with the next bold friend that went, and then i'd be 'busy' when the day finally came. or i'd be sick. or hanging with my boyfriend, or something that would prevent me from having to keep my word.

i was scared.

and i know it was only a five second discomfort at most, but i still wasn't with it. when i reached age 21, again, my friends, although college friends this time, tried to get me to go through with it.

never happened. i was so chicken it wasn't even funny.

and i've been perfectly okay with never having that experience. ever. never needed to put on a swimsuit or some little top and reveal it for the world to see. never had that urge. always thought it was cute, but that's as far as my admiration went. period.

all that changed yesterday.

on a whim, little sister number 1 called me, no actually sent me a text, that said 'let's go get our belly buttons pierced today!'

i thought it was a joke. told her maybe tomorrow or thursday. her reply was 'noooo. today!'

and the rest is history folks.



26 and my first time getting my navel pierced. the things a big sister will do, i tell you. especially considering that her's didn't hurt in the slightest and mine, with the thick skin above my navel, almost killed me. lol.



seriously. when she was piercing my sister, the needle slid through, no problem. mine however, almost got stuck and she had to try several times to get it through the top layer of my skin. i of course, knew this, which is one of the reasons i have never gotten it done.



of course, bf captured the whole experience on camera. we're such dorks. i was video taping and he was snapping pics with his professional lens. you'd have thought beyonce was making an appearance at Ink Addiction. lol.





but ahh well. it's here. it's cute. bf loves it, and i feel 18 again. lol.







hope all is fab and flyy.

looking back.

it's amazing how you can speak things into existence.

if i wasn't a believer of that before, i am now.

i was going through some old papers of mine and read some of the 'i wills' i had set for myself in late 2005. ex: i WILL eat healthier.

i'm happy to say that MOST of them have been accomplished.

like, getting back in school to complete the last 30 credit hours i have left to get my degree.

going to more poetry outings.

getting involved in a writing program for youth.

being a published author in 2008. which is a very real possibility now, i am happy to say. yay!

learning how to have a healthy relationship.

in those papers was also a poem i wrote, entitled The Future. i wrote it during the horrible break-up with my ex (who surprisingly is not so bad now... meaning i can tolerate talking to him, even laughing with him, without getting a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach like the days of yesteryear) and basically it was just to make myself feel better. i wrote a poem describing my perfect man. and although i know no one is perfect, the very next boyfriend i got (my current) has all but a few of these qualities.

writing goals down and attaining them rocks. lol.


The Future

you tell me i'm beautiful
and mean it.
you open doors with no hesitation
you feel like the most blessed man in the world
to have me.
you introduce me as your love
you speak to me with sincerity
you trust me
you love me ...
deeply, openly, devotedly, actively
you love me.
you get turned on just thinking of my body
you treat it like a temple.
you explore me ...
spiritually, mentally, physically
you explore me.
you make the most ordinary day
unbelievably special.
you are every woman's dream ...
you are my reality.
you love me when i am at my worst
you encourage me
you believe in me.
you see my greatness before everyone else.
you bring out things in me
no one else will ever see
you pray with me
you pray for me.
you call me darling when you're upset.
you love me when you're at your worst.
you're proud to be my man.
a real man you are ...
cause you are so real.
you kiss me just because
your kisses are so soft
you knock me off my feet
you make me smile
you love to make me happy
i am soooo happy.
you crack me up so hard
i have to bend over and catch my breath.
your tears are real.
your honesty is pure.
your gaze is loving.
i feel soooo good.
i feel, so ... good.
i think you're crazy
i love your crazy.
you love to love me ...
spiritually mentally, physically
oooh ... physically
you love me.

ahhh... love.

without a parachute.

the miracle of this whole situation is that we've even lasted this long. several people, horoscopes, and our general personalities suggested that we'd kill each other before living happily ever after.
so far, we have proven them wrong.

still, i can't help but be me. i, am a free spirit. he is not.

i am completely happy. i am. but life holds so much more in store for me than this city. this state. that house on that street. i'm convinced of that.

i jump, and he is my parachute. i fall, and he catches me. i act like the 'cute girl' towards him...whatever that means, and he lets me get away with it...most of the time. he accepts me, flaws and all.

i have become completely codependent on his 'being there', no matter what.

responsible, sensitive, reliable (sometimes) are all words that have now become characteristics of mine since we've been together, words that, before him, i'd never associate with myself.

the thing is, a bird... will be a bird.

one of the only things he asked me not to do, i did. something that i knew would hurt him, but my 'act now, worry later' carefree thinking has gotten me in a mess... again.

no, i didn't cheat. would never cheat on him.

still, yesterday was the first day i felt like my rock had shifted... if only a little. i felt it move, become a tiny bit less stable. the first time i felt that if i jumped, he might not be there to catch me.

don't think i've ever seen him this mad.

"i love you. more than anything, i want to be with you forever. if this happens again, ever again, i won't be here. i just won't."

his words. when he says things, he means it.

he wants me to understand. ...i do.

he wants me to assure him it won't happen again. ...i can.

but once again, i have no clue what to do to make it better. my dna is missing the strand that handles emotional situations well. the one that tells you how to soothe, how to apologize and make him understand that i mean it.

i honestly have not idea what to do.

my parachute has a tear and i don't know how to fix it.

my heart hurts.

you know you love the random ish...

**i felt rebellious and tried a frohawk the other day. turned out just okay. my hair is too long in the front and not curly enough, so it hung over my eye like a really bad michael jackson bang. lol. it was sooo worth the horrified expression that crossed all of 'their' faces when i walked into work rocking it though. ha.


**will somebody please tell tavis smiley to stop hating on obama? i mean, dang homie. if you say you are being fair in your criticisms, be fair in your criticisms.

**i really really really want to go to kanye's glow in the dark tour, but i just can't bring myself to spend $240 on the five-star VIP ticket package. i mean, let's be real, i'm a bank teller. that's almost a whole week of work. i love kanye, and maybe if he was single i'd splurge and get the tickets so i could get the backstage pass to meet him and seduce him with all my flyyness, but he's not. and i'm not. but the thing is, if i spend $160 for the four-star tickets, i'll be mad i didn't get the five-star ones. lol. woe is me. guess i better start listening to the radio and win some.

**it must be something in the water that has everyone pregnant. i hope i haven't drank it. lol.

**i don't know how i feel about this shirt. i mean, i see the good intention...



**my friends and i have a trip to new york planned for the middle of march. we purposely planned it for the middle of march because everyone would have their tax refunds by then and we could do some serious shopping. after doing mine though, i have to say...

my refund was $262. yep, that's it. don't ask. pissed much?







**my little sisters thought it would be funny to buy me a bunch of stupid t-shirts for my birthday. jokesters.

**having sex in a jacuzzi is... interesting. bubbles, water, and skin oh my.

tonight, i'll be your naaauuughty girllll...

**omg. the neighbor who we have affectionately dubbed the herpes girl has moved out. more like been kicked out. last week i was off work minding my business watching project runway, and i heard two forceful voices commanding someone to "lay down on the floor!! hands behind your head, now!" no lie. i couldn't believe it. so of course, i went to my door and stuck as much of my eye as i could in the peephole to see what was going on. herpes girl and her bf were laid out on the floor, with two officers standing over them, guns drawn. i haven't seen them since the officers cuffed them both and put them in the squad cars. and i thought i moved out of the hood. dang shame.

today i walked past their door and a bunch of men in white jumpsuits were putting their stuff in big garbage bags and throwing it out. daaaang homie. now that is drama.

**on a serious note, i've finally realized why i am not in the place where i want to be in life. i say i want to do this, and want to accomplish that, but i always stop short of achieving these things because i'm SCARED. scared of what? success i guess. i really thought about it this past weekend after a conversation with my father about my writing career.

the other day i received a response to an email i sent waaay back in september from a very respected, successful, literary agent. my current agent, although good, has not really been good at communicating with me with the goings on as far as my writing is concerned and i don't really think she has been trying to get me published to be frank. this agent however, represents numerous authors, most of whom i've heard of, and a few new york times bestseller authors as well. i sent a polite email asking how i would go about getting representation from her seeing as though she doesn't accept unsolicited queries, and she responded by saying that she believes i am very talented (i sent her links to my writings, blogs, articles, etc) and she is very interested in reading my manuscript. OH. MY. GOD. this woman is like, a career maker. she actually has the means, contacts, and clout to get my book into the right hands and publishers.

but see, this is the part where i usually buckle. i've been here before. actually, even further. on the cusp of something great happening to me and suddenly all my insecurities and flaws and past failures float to the surface of my mind. i panic. i wonder 'am i good enough? can i really be a REAL writer?' always happens. never fails.

not this time. i'm sending that dang manuscript tomorrow. no joke. cross your fingers for me.


hope everyone is having fun and being flyy. *smiles*

living my life like it's golden...

hey people! so as most of you know, my birthday was this past friday. i was pretty sick though, so i didn't really do anything but lay in the bed. my mom, little brother, and sisters came over and brought me this really flyy summer purse/tote, a swimsuit, and a white, hooded, swimsuit cover-up. all very cute. i didn't get the whole summer theme but figured they were just getting an early start on the hot weather since i've been complaining about the cold. i finally strummed up enough energy to get up and go see the movie Definitely, Maybe with the boyfriend. i was pleasantly surprised that it was actually better than i thought it would be. i heart ryan reynolds.

i was thinking that was going to be my only gift along with a dinner out with my mom, but oh, was i VERY wrong. turns out everyone had been sneaking behind my back!

saturday i had to work and i knew something was up when everyone kept texting and calling in a panic because they didn't know i had to work. when i told my mom i got off at 1:30, she breathed a sigh of relief.

so i get home and boyfriend is moseying around in his dirty basketball shorts, rushing me to be ready when my mom got here. i was a little peeved that he wasn't coming, and not only was he not coming, but he had woken up at eight when i went to work and played the computer game Orange Box all day that i got him for valentine's day, and now he was sleepy. so, he laid down. pissed is a pretty accurate word to describe what i was feeling. lol.

so mom gets to my house and we head out to this fancy smancy restaurant downtown called the Mosaic. i've only been once, and that was a couple years ago on a date with a guy whose bank account could afford the $40 dollar entrees. after 30 minutes of driving and a stop at the gas station, we finally get to the greektown hub of downtown where the restaurant is. mom says we have to go to the luxury hotel next door where she is supposed to meet a friend first. i think nothing of it since mom is just that kind of person who has friends all over. well, not so this time. we walk into the hotel, go up to room 324, and who is waiting when the door opens but boyfriend, my dad, my stepmother, boyfriend's mom, my little siblings, my older siblings, and a bunch of cousins, aunts, and friends. i was so surprised!

turns out my daddy loves me! lol. he decided to do something nice for boyfriend and i and got us a $400 room at the oh-so-swank Atheneum Hotel, complete with mini bar, jacuzzi, and fabulous king bed. oh, it was heavenly. a few minutes later, mom showed up with a huge cake for me. i felt so special. lol.

we talked and laughed and they teased me for not having a clue as to what was going on, and boyfriend and i kicked them out after a while and went out to eat with the $50 voucher that was included in our package. when we got back we made full use of the jacuzzi, took a bunch of pictures, and had a grand ole' time. thanks daddy!!

sunday was a lazy day. after checking out of the hotel, we went out to breakfast with some of the money dad gave me, took little sister back to school, and returned to our humble abode. when we got home, boyfriend informed me that the swimsuit, tote, and cover-up is for our trip to puerto rico in october, which i also had no knowledge of. whooo hooo!! life is great. lol.

hope everyone is fantabulous.

flyy updates...

just because i haven't posted a pic in a while...here's me. sorry no boobage like msP and BB, but i do aiight. lol.


*my brother and his wife are back together. for the sake of everyone who has had to deal with his unshaven, stank, depressed, looking-like-a-hurricane-swept-through-his-house, listening to depressing arse music self, this is a good thing. a very good thing. turns out the grass wasn't greener on the other side. he didn't take her back right away because even though he was heartbroken, he was pissed. had her arse calling me all types of the day asking me where he was. you weren't concerned a month ago, now were you? mmm hmmm. but anyway, i'm happy for them i guess. she seems very apologetic. he's probably getting anything he wants from her right about now. at least i would be. lol.

*my friend's gf tried to call and apologize and even had the nerve to say she misses him. he told her to f*ck off. don't see a make up in their future.

*remember my new beyonce-loving, hair-doing coworker? the one that doesn't know he's gay? whew lawd he's been getting on my last nerve. i mean, he's cool for the most part, but he needs to pick at least five rules of our establishment and FOLLOW them. he has only been here for like a month and he's already clashed with six out of the eleven people that work at our branch. dang shame. you can't be passing your 'come get your hair done by me' cards out. you're not at the friggin hair shop homie. you can't just straight talk on your cell phone when you're on the teller line. if i don't get my customer service bonus because of your behind, you're gonna have more problems than just missing a hair appointment cause i wouldn't work my saturday off for you.

and omg i KNEW you were a stripper in a past life. whew. i knew it. when i saw the XXX tattoo, that confirmed it. those pics you showed me were mighty scrumptious though. but please stop talking about all your ladies, you KNOW dang well you like earl. stoplayin. i had to hold in my laughter when you asked to borrow my destiny's child cd to work out to. really? destiny's child? wow. work it out then. double snaps.

*i was recently offered a plane ticket to visit a male blogger. apparently he's a fan and he thinks i'm hott. wow. i had no clue who he was before he sent me that incredibly long email. and i still don't know who he is. is it possible to get virtual restraining orders? gotta keep a watch on his crazy butt. if you're reading this, the answer is no. not about to find me on the ten o'clock news chopped up in the woods somewhere. uh uh. on the other hand, if you feel like sending two tickets, bf an i do need a vaca.

*i don't know exactly what happened, all i know is the police knocked on everyone's door last night asking if we saw anyone go into the black girl now known as the herpes girl's apartment yesterday morning. we have jobs so we weren't here. but man, i hope she's okay. i mean dude was looking mighty pissed. if i smell the strong weed and hear the loud rap today then i'll know everything is fine with the world. whew, did i say there goes the neighborhood?

*my ex has all of a sudden gotten some strong nostalgic feelings. he's been texting me all kinds of offensive questions like 'do you miss me like i miss you?' and 'i canceled my wedding for january because i'm still in love with you.'

da hell? kick rocks homie. i'm happy. after he lied to me about not only what he was going to be naming his future daughter, but the fact that he even was going to HAVE a daughter, i have no more words to say to him, for reals. (oh yeah homie, your friends still talk to me on myspace) i was pissed about that for like a week too. you're such a jack. you've got issues. get help.

*my shoulda woulda coulda somehow got my email addy and sent me an email saying how i was his 'one who got away.' he's right. what else do i say to that? i didn't call you, ahem, my friend didn't call you, so why email? i mean, really.

*i saw the devil at the mall and i thought i would throw up. i hoped he wouldn't notice me but he did and i freaked out cause i was by myself. i can't figure out why everyone i know shops at the same mall. geesh! i dashed into the women's bathroom until i felt he and his friend were gone, then i proceeded to call bf and hyperventilate. i'm recovered now though.

*i'm still flyy and i still love my hair. and it's growing! whoo hooo!

shoulda woulda coulda...

i have a friend.

she's a good friend. pretty girl, about my height. my friend has a boyfriend. GREAT guy. makes her laugh, respects her always, doesn't lie, cheat, or steal. lol. thinks she is the greatest thing God ever created... most of the time.

the other day my friend was at the mall (looking flyy as usual, after all she is my friend) just doing some light christmas shopping. she had on her favorite winter outfit: furry wedge boots, tight dark jeans, and a sexy cowl neck sweater that she snagged from victoria's secret for 40% off. i mean, she was feeling good.

she was strutting around boyfriend-less (he was hanging with his brother) in her own little world when she heard a faintly familiar voice. she only turned around because he said her name, seeing as though she never turns when men say 'ay!' to her while she is walking past. when she turned around she couldn't believe her eyes. it was him. not just any him, but the gorgeous guy with whom she had shared her first real kiss. the man who had left many what-ifs lingering in her mind when she left for college. they had never done anything but kissed, but it had been magical... and not supposed to happen really.

they were the best of friends for a long time until one day the obvious tension that existed between them became too much to handle and he acted upon it. she loved it. his lips were heaven on earth. but she was young then. and scared. and had too broken of a past to allow herself to feel what he confessed to feel for her. so they went their separate ways, his ego too bruised to allow for their previous close friendship to continue.

that was seven years ago. the last time they saw each other in person. they had half-heartedly tried to keep in touch and spoke on the phone a few times, but it could never be how it had. now, he stood in front of her a grown man. a little taller, and wearing his hair in locs that hung just past his shoulders. the years had definitely been good to him.

"hey, wassup girl. wow. i can't believe it's you." his voice was deeper, more mature. "what have you been up to?"

he reached in for a hug. awkward at first, but she allowed him to wrap his arms around her lightly, inhaled his heavenly cologne.

she smiled nervously when she answered. "i know right? it's been forever! i've been well. working, school, writing..." her voice trailed off when she noticed the big grin accompanying his intense stare. "what?" she asked, hoping she didn't have some obscene booger hanging out of her nose.

"you look really beautiful. like, really good. i love your hair." he was looking her up and down. "i didn't realize how long it's been until just now. you back in michigan for good or just visiting?" he asked, still smiling.

she told him how she was indeed living in michigan for now and that she was starting what was becoming a pretty good writing career. he was genuinely happy for her, told her to make sure she let him know when her book drops, cause he was going to buy ten copies.

she learned that he is doing very well for himself now. single. fresh off the plane from his previous four years spent in north carolina. newly graduated with a masters in computer science and working for a major corporation in the technical division...or something like that. she was too busy noticing how his smile was still slightly crooked after all this time. and how that scar above his left eyebrow that he got when he was six still added that hint of bad boy to his face. his 'perfect flaws' as she used to call them.

"you know what, i think we should keep in touch. catch up on old times, maybe go to dinner." he said hopefully. she could see the possibilities of a second chance at capturing what they missed all those years ago dancing above his head.

she smiled. again. knowing that there was no way she would be able to do that.

"you have a card?" she didn't have the heart to reject someone she had once adored so much.

he gave her a knowing smirk. she had mentioned that she wasn't single earlier, but now he knew it was serious. still, he obliged her with a cream-colored card embossed with his name. "of course."

they said their goodbyes, made soon-to-be-broken promises to stay in touch, and my friend strutted off to finish her shopping, her mind still replaying the shoulda woulda couldas of their time. he watched her walk away until she was no longer in sight, cursing fate and the man who currently held her heart.

yep, she's still got it.

miss me?

hey guys, just thought i would drop in and leave a little note for all of my faithful readers. if the three of you have been wondering where the flyy one has been, i've been doing NaNoWriMo, so i've been actually writing a book. it's turning out pretty darn good and i think i may just keep it for an actual project. lots of blog-worthy things have been happening around me in the mean time and yet i haven't had time to sit and write one.

my thanksgiving was wonderful, actually much better than i originally thought, so that was good. i saw family that i hadn't seen in forever, my step-brother came home and visited, and i witnessed a 55 year-old woman attempting to learn the 'superman'. HILARIOUS. (she paid me a handsome fee to not put her on youtube.com....gotta be thankful for these cameras these days. lol).

in other news we have a young, black, handsome, male teller coming to our branch next week. i am not opposed to it, nothing wrong with a little eye candy to make up for the bad music we have to endure. i have to say though, i was soooo offended when my manager pulled me to the side and asked if i could be 'professional' around him and basically wanted to make sure that i was still deeply in love with my boyfriend as to not cause any fraternizing in the workplace. what the hell? seeing as though i am the ONLY one who HASN'T hooked up with someone i work with (our previous two assistant managers were having secret and not-so-secret affairs with tellers in the branch) i was very offended. at first i thought he might have pulled everyone aside and asked, but he didn't. only me. he gets ass of the day for that one. i guess i just look like i need some male attention in my life or something. boooo to him and his nasty protruding gut.

my hair is about three or four inches past my shoulders now....yay! it's really amazing to me how fast it is growing. when i had a perm i sat and watched and watched my hair and it seemed to never want to go past a certain length, and now i'm almost certain that i will be at bra strap length by march. ah well....just add this as one of the million reasons i'm proud to be natural!

anyhoo, i'll be back by the beginning of next week with something more worthy of the three minutes you just spent reading this....hopefully. lol. i miss reading my daily blogs so i'm going to have soooo much reading to catch on. that's how you know i luv ya'll! lol.

hope everyone is fabulous!

love, mommy.

the other day, i was on always.funky.fresh's blog and i read a very touching post.

well today, i woke up feeling just as he did on that day. i was sad. really sad...only it didn't take me long to figure it out.

i got out of bed, stretched, and kissed my still sleeping boyfriend. as i made my usual walk to the bathroom for my morning hygienic routine, i looked to my left. she popped right out at me. waiting in the tiny picture inside the little pink frame with the angels on it...something i undoubtedly picked up anticipating her homecoming.

i imagined her looking at me, imagined her with a thick head of coils like my own, a soft sweet voice, a smile like her fathers. imagined she was alive and beautiful.

i really wish that on this day three years ago i had known.....maybe i could have done something. paid attention to what the doctors were doing more....begged them to let her develop for just one more week in my womb. i can't help but think that maybe i could have done something.

i will never experience her laugh, her cry, her first words, or her first dance recital. i will never know what it feels like to see her look up into my eyes and say 'mommy'. but i still feel her, love her, miss her. deeply.

my trip to the bathroom was deterred by the gravity of her tiny picture pulling me to her. i walked over to her. kissed her and told her i loved her. then wished her a happy 3rd birthday....



Briyanna Aari
10/20/2004 - 12/11/2004

i love you briyanna...now and always. you are my angel.

love, mommy.

forget writer's block....i've got a barricade.

something is wrong.

i mean, drastically wrong.

wtf is wrong with me?

here i sit, house all to myself, Wynton Marsalis softly trumpeting through the speakers of my laptop, mind ablaze with ideas for articles, short stories, and poems....and i can't seem to translate the one thing i do need to be working on into words. i've been sitting here seriously for the last two hours writing and rewriting the first four sentences to a brilliant story i have in mind. the plan was to get to at least chapter twelve by the end of the week, seeing as though i'm on vacation. and i'm not even past the first paragraph....and i'm going out of town tomorrow, so this is pretty much my last day to write peacefully.

maybe i'm thinking too much. i told myself i was going to lay off the heavy blog-stalking for a while and concentrate on my writing, but that seems to have only derailed my efforts to be more productive further. usually, listening to light jazz will bring the words to life, they usually flow effortlessly like the saxophone wafting from John Coltrane's Naima. seeing as though it is my absolute favorite jazz song...i am surprised that even it is not working.

it is hard to have a time frame in which to complete something as arduous as a novel when you cannot even form four cohesive sentences. whew! it is making me frustrated. and doubtful. and that in turn is making me unmotivated.

someone, somewhere, help!!

it's our anniversary....

it's hard to believe, but the bf and i will have been together two years officially on october 15th. this past weekend, he grew a new romantic bone and decided to take me up north to this beautiful beach on lake michigan for a nice weekend. he decided to do it this weekend because the weather was absolutely wonderful (like, 89 degrees)....and next weekend it will be in the fifties....that's michigan for you. whew.

him being the photographer that he is, of course he wanted to take pics. i have this white swimsuit that i had never worn....so it was a done deal. the pics came out fantabulous i must say.....so i'm happy. and i did my first puff ever!! how cool is that??

i'm not going to post any of the pics from the actual 'photoshoot' (i know i've been over saturating my blog with pic posts.....sorry. lol), but here are some i captured with my digicam...and a few that bf took. i love my puppy!


unleash the fro....


mmmuah!

hott bf.

cheesing on the beach.

i found me in you

Loving myself

was never something I was good at.

not really

not until you...

you taught me how to reach

skies, stars, self.

how to expand

thinking

money

power

how to love life

love self

I was young,

a little naïve...

you molded me.

told me stories of

life outside my box

dared me to step

jump

leap

into myself.

so....i did

discovered a young woman

bursting with untapped talent

unbridled passion

willing to learn from mistakes

willing to love

to be loved

to express in ways

I never knew

you introduced me to

myself...

told me to take the hurt

I'd inflicted

internally

and outwardly express

pen to paper

line after line I wrote...

amazed at the enormity

of emotions freed

by black ink...

encouraged me to

let it go

let it out

let me out...

I will always appreciate you

even though your flaws were many

and plenty a woman tasted your love...

not many experienced your soul.

the broken wounded boy

the one who jaggedly traveled through

many monstrosities...

beaten down,

broken spirited boy...

who made gold

out of clay

his sadly sculpted world

he resurrected beautiful

you let me in...

I found myself

while journeying to your heart

and I just want to say thank you.

kids WILL repeat the darndest things....lol

i love little girls. everything about them is so innocent, life so endearing to them. sometimes i volunteer at my friend's daycare center, just to help her out, seeing as though her small business is growing into her big dream and she has been desperately looking for help and believers in her girl's day camp/daycare.

usually, there are about 13 little girls, ranging from ages two to five (up to twelve in the summer time), and they all come bright-eyed and ready to dive into the day's activities that she has planned. she has come up with some pretty interesting tasks for the little girls, aimed at such goals as building social skills, self-esteem camp, and her very popular "I AM" make believe game.

well monday, one of the girls, a pretty, tiny, four year old named Lala (her nickname of course) suggested we play "I AM". a chorus of enthusiastic 'yeah!'s and claps followed, so, "I AM" it was.

Lala started us off. "I AM a horse!" she yelped and started dramatically galloping around the room. we laughed and clapped and smiled and eventually i had to pick her up, as her horse had somehow morphed into a unicorn when she picked up a plastic cup and put it upside down on her forehead.

next up was Sara (yes, she's black..lol), the very, very shy one, and one of my personal favorites....i know, i know. shame on me. but she is just so adorable. five years old. chubby cheeks. pigtails. awwww. she jumped into the circle that had formed and said quietly, "I AM a bird." then she quietly began fluttering about the room, in a somewhat awkward, wounded-wing bird-like fashion. it was cute though. lol. of course everyone clapped and smiled and laughed at her handicapped bird. "No, it's not a REAL bird, it's the bird that lives in my backyard!" she explained when my friend asked her why her bird was gimpy. my guess is she has a wounded bird living in her backyard...why he isn't real...well that you have to ask Sara. lol.

Jazzmine was next. cute little girl, seriously missing all but like four of her front teeth. "I AM my mama!" she said brazenly, snapping her neck and rolling her eyes, hand on hip. then she proceeded to grab Lala by the arm and beat her senseless, whacking her bottom while holding the poor child's arm with her other hand. "didn't i tell you not to come in my room when mr. davis is here!?" she screamed, trying to keep a straight face. immediately my friend and i jumped up, rescuing Lala, who didn't know whether to laugh or cry. all the other girls were in hysterics, yelling that Jazzmine had won this game of 'I AM'.

i was stunned, amused, and downright embarrassed for this girl's mother. we tried to explain to Jazz that she shouldn't repeat that or pretend to be her mom in 'I AM', as it would be more fun to pretend to be a butterfly or a singer, and that she couldn't just go around hitting on the other girls. but she just wasn't having it.

"did i win? my mama said if i was good today and i brought home a STAR ball, she would buy me a new spongebob bookbag. can i have mine now?"

the STAR ball she was referring to is a little colorful plastic ball that my friend hands out to the girls who were exceptionally good or who won one of the games that day. at the end of the week she allows them to turn their balls in for bigger things, like stuffed animals and noise makers (lord help me).

all i could do was hand her a ball and smile. after all, she earned it. lol. when her mom came to pick the girls up, i nearly turned red telling her embarrassed mother how she won her bright purple ball that day. one of the most awkward moments in my life, for sure.

and i thought it was funny last week when one of the girls put on play dress-up heels and declared loudly, "I AM miss Muze!" as she strutted around with her best diva walk and curly wig. lol. i swear, little girls are the cutest.

the return of the devil....via myspace

he used to haunt me.

i'd wake up in a sweaty mess, eyes rapidly moving from side to side in fright, trying to make sense of the dark shadows that loomed around my usually friendly bedroom. on those nights, it wasn't so friendly. i'd imagine him sitting in the dark corner next to my hamper, waiting for my eyes to close once more so he could slip through my nostrils and into my REM once again.

when i finally got over the nightmares, i'd have day-mares. walking back to my dorm from class, i'd catch a familiar army-green jacket draped over some guy who seemed to be the same height, same size. i'd start walking faster. then he would. once i even broke out into an all-out sprint when i saw someone wearing his infamous raiders cap. it wasn't him though. it never was. he was embedded so deep into my consciousness that my eyes saw him everywhere. every 5'10 black man with a goatee invoked sweaty palms and a slamming heartbeat. i started walking with my head down, watching for that crisp new pair of black and white converse sneakers walking towards me angrily. and i saw them too, from time to time. but the owner was never him. never.

i thought about getting a tattoo to cover the scar, thinking that it would add some beauty to it, or even make me forget. at the very least ease the anger and pain that the touch of it has become synonymous with. it's an awkward mark though, not even one of those scars that adds 'character' to one's body. only an inch or so long, but a tiny keloid where the sharp boyscout knife entered, and a jaggedly curved line where it was frantically snatched back out. i can't see it. it's home is my lower back, the slightly indented part of a woman just above her behind that is usually reserved for lustful eyes on romantic evenings, or drips of hot oil for sexy massages. 1/4 of an inch away from my spine according to my concerned doctor on that fateful night. even looking in the mirror backwards, i can hardly see it. i can feel it though. my fingers slide over it almost daily, to the point where i have committed it's jagged edges and smooth risings to memory.

it took me a while, but i moved on. stopped seeing him in the shadows of every street corner i walked or drove upon. quieted his deep voice from repeating "come on baby...you know you want to" on my brain's loudspeaker. if it weren't for that jagged scar, i'd have almost forgotten.

almost.

i clicked the 'make page private' option on my myspace page options with shaking hands. suddenly he had reappeared, his sexy smirk and tattooed muscles looking back at me from his profile pic saying, "i told you i'd find you." he looked the same, a little older, a little bigger, skin smoothed out to a perfect shade of stained-pine, but the same. a simple friend request and a three-lined note made my body quake. someone once warned me that the internet could make you accessible to people that you may not want to be accessible to.

now i have found out the hard way. i've given him access. damn. he knows that i'm a volleyball coach. knows the type of place i work at. knows what city i live in. when he lost his football scholarship and reputation as the 'next big thing' because of me, i knew he would never forgive me. saw the evil anger in his dark eyes when he was being sentenced.

**************************************************

Date:	Sep 10, 2007 12:27 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	Hello old friend. Long time no see. Still looking good, sexy. You haven't forgotten about me have you? Seems we still have some unfinished "business" to discuss. I'll bump into you sometime, I'm sure.

******************************************************

my mind told me not to sweat it. but as memories of other friends who didn't take things seriously enough played in my mind, my body couldn't take my sensible mind's advice. a call to the police station proved that nothing could be done unless he took steps to actually find me and harm me. i looked into my boyfriend's helpless eyes, wanting to but not knowing how to calm the panic attack that ensued. i leaned into his arms, felt his fingers gently rubbing the half moon-shaped raise on my lower back. i felt comforted, but it couldn't stop the day-mares from beginning again. i saw him at the grocery store earlier. i swear i did.

damn.

but can we bridge THIS gap?

opposites attract, right? right. i guess. but romantically speaking, how opposite is too opposite? i was talking to my friend mwangangi last night and we had the beginnings of a debate that my boyfriend and i have had many a time. if not for my call of a time-out, we probably would have still been talking right now. lol. (still luv you mwangangi...lol).

let me say this first. my boyfriend is amazing. one of the most morally sound, sweet, selfless people i know. maybe even perhaps thee most. he won't break even the most insignificant law or rule (he feels bad if we go downt